tears of a clown

man, i am some piece of work.

i am so close to breaking. i've had it. i can't take another disappointment, another let down, another realization that -i- am my own worst enemy.

i can't stand seeing constant reminders that she's happy now, that she has her life.

that it was -me- that made me not a part of her life. and not someone she cares for anymore.

instead of being exactly where i wanted to be right now, today... i'm -here-. which is nowhere. running down this extremely steep path, gathering speed as i go... i look back and see her... there's a tear in her eye (i think it's a tear.. maybe it's just a speck of dust).. i think, or at least i want (desperately want) to believe that she does or could still want me... but .....

yes, i'm a drama queen. and an asshole and many other things, none of them very worthwhile (just ask her). but fuck it, it's how i feel right now... remember the monty python skits that always had the 16 ton weight falling on somebody?

it's sitting squarely on my chest. punishment for what i've done, to her, to us. to me. my heart pounds, it's hard to breathe. my eyes constantly fill with pain. how could i have done this? i don't understand. i don't.

i so wanted to see my daughter graduate college, get married, have kids. i very much wanted to retire with B and travel. we had such great plans.

i so much wanted to hold B in my arms, tell her how much i love her... feel her heart beat with mine... see her look in my eyes... hear her tell me she loves me... i wanted to read to her, stroke her head as she sleeps on my lap...

i'd give anything to see her again.

i don't think i'll see another new years. not sure about the weekend, either.