as sure as death and taxes

again. and again. and again.

she continues to hammer into me that she has no desire for anything with me. that there is no possibility of a change on her part. no parole, no pardon. no interest.

"no thanks"

and she laughs about it. as though the very notion that i could even -think- she might want me again is ludicrous. and maybe it is, but not to me. i know what's in my heart for her. i know that she is my future. or should be. she's clearly chosen to make sure that never happens.

i understand, kind of. but if she were to feel something again, and know that the love that's underneath it for her is real and true and that the future that we could share -is- what she wanted, what we wanted and could still have, then why, -HOW- could she consciously, methodically crush each feeling? why couldn't she want it again, once she felt some twinge of it?

when i couldn't understand, a year or two ago, why she couldn't, wouldn't see me and i was sure that she never would see me, i thought that that was the lowest low i could ever experience. it was devastating, desolate. and yet she can sink me far, far past that now with just a few words, casually uttered as though no more than a "have a good night" and followed by a slight laugh. these times are as black and bleak and utterly devoid of hope as one could imagine. these times are to what i thought was the darkest possible as utter black is to the whitest white. the difference in magnitude is so stunning, it's indescribeable. and it scares me because the mind seems to have no limit on how depressed it can get. the body or the conscious usually being the weakest link and succumbing to the need to end the pain far before the mind has reached the limit of how deep it can sink.

all of which chills me to the bone as i start to get some inkling of the pain she's described to me.

the pain and the darkness that i brought on to her, that i put into her heart. the pain and the hurt that makes her not want anything to do with me, even though the possibility of the best and the brightest of "us" is still ahead.

so she'll live her life, "settling" she says. settling for a well off life, with her lover/master on the side. and a possible family. and carrying a pain in her that will subside over time. and perhaps someday, a year or five or ten or 30 from now, she might have a fleeting memory of a love she once remembered and wish that maybe she had given just one more chance.

but i'll be long dead.

so much changes, so quickly. yesterday and today were good days in the job search. yesterday was rocky with her but still okay. today was good for most of the day. and then, revenge, retribution. a few days ago, or last week, i wasn't sure i would see another New Years'. the last couple days that seemed like such a crazy thought, because it began to feel that there just might be a possibility of more with B again.

it's thursday. friday is a long way away. and friday's with B are short, because she leaves early to spend the afternoon with her lover.

i don't think about whether or not there'll be another new years.

i wonder about monday.

i don't have the strength she does. she's lived through the worst that one human could ever do to another, emotionally. i don't know 1% of it and i know that i cannot make it.

her rejection, which for so long i feared was real, now is real. and final.

and i cannot live with that. or without her.

so i won't.