what has happened to me?

lunch was our time. we always had an hour or so to spend together. she might be driving or running errands or tanning, but she always took me with her. like i said, it was -our- time.

there is no -our- any more. or an -us-. or a -we-. i killed that.

now she spends lunch sucking or fucking her lover. and that lover isn't me. should have been, could have been, but for me.

i wonder if they have a rented place they go to? or is it in her car or his? surely hotels several times a week would be too expensive, a needless waste of money. does she take him to her house? i doubt it because even if she has permission to play with him, sometimes bf works there and it's too long of a drive to have any play time. i know that ofttimes after work he comes to her office and takes her there. does she go to his office, close the door, get under his desk? more than likely it's a combination of all of these things.

i did this to her, made her life so that she has him to fuck, not me; him to love, not me. him to spend her mornings, lunches, afternoons and evenings with, not me.

why can't i undo it? because she's happy with what she has now, doesn't -want- to undo it, doesn't -want- to look my way, our way again and find -us-.

i have held the future, the very future that i wanted, the one that i knew i was destined to have from the moment i met her, in my hands. and i fumbled it. i've picked it up again, but she no longer wants any part of it. or of me.

and i have held the merchants of death that reside in my garage, securely locked away (for now) in my hand. and i've wondered: could i do it? do i have the strength, the mere six pounds or so of pressure required? am i that much of a coward? and if i did, would she miss me? would she even care, personally? or would it just be the same sadness that she might sometimes feel for the life that -we've- lost?

and then i wonder... a long time ago, she said some of the things she liked about me were my strength, my independence, my ability to be on my own. what happened to that guy? when did i become no longer him? when did i lose -everything- that she once liked about me?

what has happened to me?