dead man walking

i don't stand a chance, which means that -we- don't stand a chance. she'll go on, as strong as ever, of course.

but she cannot, will not, even admit the possibility of there ever being an "us" again.

i'm confused. not because of the reason - that's abundantly clear to me, has been made abundantly clear to me many times. i hurt her, fucked her over, crushed her... as she says "a large part of my soul is gone, smashed".

she thinks she was tricked by me, that what we had was not real. she says that based on my actions and an outside observer could easily come to the same conclusion. but that's not the whole story. it doesn't take into account the 4 years i spent alone, without her, waiting and hoping and never knowing (until right at the end) when or IF she'd ever choose to be with me. ultimately i still bear the blame and the fault, i accept that. but it feels like i should at least be able to plead "no contest" or "guilty with explanation".

i try and try and try to get her to agree to just seeing what happens. to please just let me back into her life, to not forget, not even to forgive now, but just to see where we could be, how we could grow together again. she can't. or won't.

i'm confused. if she has no intention of letting me back into her life, her heart, then why does she talk to me at all? i'd say that perhaps she's "setting me up" for a revengeful kick later, but a) that's not how she is, and b) then why wouldn't she appear to take me back with open arms, the better to shatter -me- later? again, that kind of action is just not something i think she'd do; she's far better than that.

the only other explanation that i can think of, which itself doesn't really make a lot of sense, knowing her, is that she's doing it for herself. that she's talking to me now only until -she- gets something she needs from it, at which point she'll stop taking my calls, stop answering emails, stop chatting altogether. but again, that possibility doesn't fit with the B that i know. she's
told me many times how talking to me again has dragged up hurt and anger that she had managed to mostly get past, to bury. make no mistake about the strength of her character, her will. if she says she had dealt with it, it was dealt with. talking to me again has been almost a set back for her. so why do it? looking back on the conversations we've had over the last 2 months, i don't see what ?closure? she could be getting from talking again.

maybe one other possibility is again, revenge. maybe she thinks to keep me hanging on, knowing how desperately i want her, need her. keep me hanging on, perpetually hoping that she'll take another chance on -us-, on me. you could say that maybe she's getting satisfaction out of knowing the pain that i'm in, knowing that i keep hoping every day, only to have my hopes dashed every day. and she knows full well that she could keep me here in limbo for a long time... years. i held on and chased her for four years without even knowing exactly what could be; now that i do know, i'm sure she knows that i'll pursue her even harder. but again - that simply is NOT the B that i know and love.

so why?

i'm a dreamer and i'm in love with her, so it's hard for me to not say that perhaps she knows or feels that, given time, perhaps she would want to try again. just to keep my sanity (and my life) i -have- to believe that, don't i? yet at the same time, i think that, even given her level of pain and hurt, that she'd know inside that if there's a chance for us, then make that chance happen, that waiting only lets her harden herself more, puts more time between us. if she holds a tiny spark of hope, then knowing her, i'd think she'd want to move toward that, if for no other reason than to prove herself wrong.

so i'm confused. and hurting, for her, for us, for me. for all we've lost.

and the stone in my chest threatens to drag me under and under and under until i don't have the strength anymore to hope. and on the day that she convinces me that she really is not going to give us another chance, that will be the day of my death sentence. and i'll be a dead man walking until i finally have the courage to end it myself.

but for now i cry, here, now, this minute. i cry because i've caused the woman i love more than anything else in this world so much pain that she can't bear the thought of being with me. i cry because i've caused us both to lose out on what could've been a most wonderful life time of love, friendship and intimacy. and i cry for me because i did it.