another sign

as if the yellow Road Out Ahead signs dotting the highway for the last ten miles aren't enough... as if the wooden barricade placed across the road isn't enough... as if the huge pile of dirt blocking the road isn't enough...

as if each of these signs isn't fucking concrete enough proof that the road is not passable ahead, so too she's given me plenty of signs....

me: can you talk for awhile?
B: no, he's [her lover/master] here to fuck me

me: can we talk over lunch?
B: no i'm seeing him

me: can i come see you, just have lunch with you?
B: no, i can't stand the thought of even seeing you.

me: baby, i swear, we can have our future again.
B: no, you killed those parts of me. there's no recovering from that

me: but love, please, we can find our way, together
B: no, that's not possible

any reasonable man would be able to figure out what she means, no?

not me apparantly. but then, no reasonable man would ever, EVER have done what i did to her. no reasonable man would EVER have not bolted to her the second she said "come see me".

this, however, shakes me to the core. this could possibly do it.

we'd talked about, after getting together, whether kids would be in the future and decided no, they wouldn't be. there's a number of reasons. for myself, primarily selfish ones. if B and i were to get together, i figure we'd have 20 years together, maybe 25. and, selfishly, i want her to myself, don't want to share her with a family. i wanted her and i, -us-, to have a lifetime of enjoying each other, of doing what -we- wanted to do without the obligations of raising a family. and she was okay with that.

now she's thinking about getting pregnant.

"why not" she says. "i had two life paths in front of me and the one i wanted is gone, leaving this one."

why not?

has there ever been a shorter, more succinct death sentence?

the timing is always so great too. this morning i started writing something to her, that she may have chosen not to read, when it finally got sent, which now there's clearly no point. i wanted to write her and describe in detail where i thought we'd have been right now (that might have been enough to keep her from wanting to read it), and more importantly, how i thought our lives might have been. but the most important part? i wanted to describe for her how i thought we could go on from where we are, right now, today. the hurdles we have to face, some ways we might get past them, what feelings we may be having, what hopes we might feel building inside. maybe she'd have been able to see these things, feel them, hope for them.

instead she's thinking about getting pregnant.