the other day i read somewhere that "...there's a certain comfort in familiar misery..."

B, my beloved B, has said it to me. but, i don't -want- to be miserable. i really don't. never mind that i'm EXTRA miserable now, knowing that, had I followed my heart, B and I would be together, RIGHT NOW. she wouldn't be married, wouldn't be fucking her Master on the side, wouldn't be refusing to see me.

in fact, we'd probably be living together, this very day. sharing the moments that we both waited so long to be able to share... before i fucked up.

way back, during the years leading up to ... now... i thought evenings when she went home to bf were hard.. and the weekends were unbearable... especially when I knew she was seeing her Master...

fuck. i'd do anything to have -that- level of pain back.. because this is... orders of magnitude beyond pain, beyond unbearable...

she's all i think of... all night, all day... is she there? does she -ever- think about me? does she wish for me at all? ever long for -us- again? does she, in some remote, tiny part of her heart, hold out a tiny hope that we could be, again?

g-d, please, i beg you... let me wake up from this nightmare...