as the world turns

i don't know; i just don't.

she has no time to read. can she be seeing her lover that much? or be so busy at home (or going out) that finding a little time to read is impossible? (i don't think girls read in the bathroom!) for me, it's such a pleasurable thing, an escape from the world that no matter how ready i am for bed, a few mins is enjoyed. but then, i also always feel that she's doing it too and that we'll be able to talk about it the next day. or is it because -i'm- reading too and she doesn't want to have any of that kind of connection? or maybe she is reading and not telling me? i doubt that because she'd just say "i don't want to read with you". i have a feeling she's avoiding it simply -because- she knows i'm reading too. and what a crime if i've spoiled her love of reading on top of everything else.

she has been sick though. and then gets upset with me because i'm concerned. i know it's because she's thinking i didn't want to be with her so why should i concern myself now. she must know that's not the truth.

and she tells me about a dream she just had, with me in it. those dreams used to be erotic, loving type of dreams. not so much anymore. not so much as in never, no way, not the slightest possibility. as much as i'd like to think it's a good thing that i'm in her dreams, after hearing the dream i'm not sure. in the dream, she was avoiding me. she kept walking away from me, wouldn't turn when i touched her shoulder, wouldn't answer when i said her name. she was soaking wet a lot of the time too, she said from rain or being splashed. to me, she was wet from the tears she cried because of what i did. then, she was going in and out of rooms in a three story building. three story, obvious - three men. bf, her lover and me. she'd go into a room and i'd soon follow her there, whereupon she'd leave again to get away from me. ya don't gotta be a genius to figure out what that means.

everything i do is wrong. no matter what. all i remind her of is betrayal and hurt and pain.

i wonder if i'll EVER be able to rise above that, if she'll ever be able to see -me- again?