on second thought

i had a little medical emergency yesterday. it was little, hardly an emergency, but i did have to go to the ER. while the problem wasn't life threatening, left untreated it could have become so. being just a -little- prone to worry and projecting problems into the future and growing them in my head, i was of course aware of the possibility. as i was in the er, i was thinking "i could lose my life". this of course, like just about anything else that happens in my day made me think of B.

WHAM. WHAMWHAMWHAMFUCKINGWHAM.

the phrase that kept echoing in my mind (think of the final scene of "The Aviator") was "i've lost my wife" (meaning not my ex, but my B). and yes, i meant my -wife- not my life. over and over and over and over. hitting me harder and harder each time it echoed, each time revealing more and more the awful truth that I DID THIS TO US. i've lost my wife. we wouldn't have been married yet, of that i'm sure; it'd have been too soon. but, we'd have had our private commitment ceremony, just the two of us. we'd probably be living together TODAY. and no doubt, because we talked about it before, we'd be living toward the day when we would get married.

i've lost my wife.

she's right ->there<- i just can't seem to reach her. i feel her heart beating, but when it turns to me it's bruised and battered; by me. i did that to her.

definitely back on the roller coaster of emotional upheaval/distress/whatever. when i woke up this morning i felt.. better. i knew she wouldn't call me to wake me (got to bed really late and asked her to call me if i wasn't up and online by the time she was), coz that'd show... dunno; something she can't/doesn't wanna show toward me.

but i felt better going to sleep and when i woke. and contrary to what i said here yesterday, i thought maybe getting to and through another weekend was possible, likely even.

yeah.