the mundane amidst the unusual

so we know from my last post what the topic of the day is. i'm still undecided. that in itself bothers me because, well, im a world-class procrastinator. one pill down and the first strong drink about gone. right now we're at the getting a good buzz stage.

so, the mundane amidst the unusual. contemplating suicide (i hate that word for some reason, but it's too fucking long to say "taking my own life"). to be honest, i suspect it won't happen. anyway, even knowing that's where tonight could wind up, i still did laundry. and went to the grocery store because i needed coffee and milk. how fucking bizarre is that?

geez.

teh mind is an unusual machine, that's for damn sure. that it can contemplate ending it all in order to stop the pain, -know- what the implications are, like, uh, probably won't need much coffee, much less a gallon of milk, and still plan out thoughts like "gotta get bigger boxes to ship some things, do a change of address and get coffee".

to be honest, i probably won't do it. i'm chicken. not that i'm afraid it'll hurt, because it wouldn't. a few weeks ago i did have a gun in my hands, pondering the same thing, but i gotta think that -that- would hurt, even if only for a second. and what a mess for someone to have to clean up. i always thought (yeah, it's occured to me several times over the last 10 years or so) maybe i'd lay down with my head in a metal bucket or in the tub to keep the mess down.

the other reason is that i want to talk to her again, if she's gonna talk to me. i suspect she won't but there's always a chance. and if not, i know i'd write her a few times and maybe she'd respond, although if she's not talking she almost assuredly won't be replying to email. i'm like the rat in the third group that i wrote about a few weeks ago. i can keep hoping and hoping and hoping that she'll give me some attention. maybe even some love.. (hey, it's my fantasy).

and also, haven't i hurt her enough? even though she'd know that it was my decision and my action, she'd put some ?blame? on her self.... and i can't have that. i've already put more hurt into her heart, more pain in her soul than anyone should ever have to bear... this would just add to it. what a Catch-22; want to die because i've hurt her so badly she can't stand me and i can't live without her, but doing so would put more hurt on her.

fuck. how did i get here? and how could i have ever hurt her so much? g-d, please tell me that you have a reason for all this. please tell me that she's supposed to endure this because it'll all turn out better for her in the long run.