what choice do i have?

i don't stand a chance with her; of that i'm pretty sure. she's hurting terribly, her soul damaged, her heart empty and wounded. i did those things to her; -me-. her soulmate, the one who loved her, the one she loved.

she's steadfastly refusing to budge any. not allowing herself to feel anything of, toward or about me (and us) other than pain and hurt and betrayal. who can blame her?

and yet, i KNOW IN MY HEART that there still lives within her a spark of desire, an ember of hope and longing. i know it. what we had was too strong, despite the terrible hurts i did to her. it's there and i think she knows it. i think she trys to avoid looking at it or acknowlegeing that it's even there, but i see it. rather, i don't see it directly, but i see the faint light it gives off, brightening the walls around her heart. it's there in little things she says. sometimes in the way her voice sounds when she talks to me. now and then it's in a laugh, or when she lets down her guard a little and she lets slip something about us building a friendship again and then perhaps more. but whenever she catches herself slipping, she grabs the biggest stick she can find and beats that little squeak of hope until it's battered and bleeding again.

i've wondered if i should accept what i've done as insurmountable and accept that i've thrown away my future and our future and changed what she wanted for her life. i've wondered if it'd be better for her if i just disappeared, stopped reminding her of the hurt, let her continue healing as she was. but i can't. i just can't. what she and i had, could have again, is so unique that i can't walk away from it. as long as there's any hope that she might soften enough to give us a chance, i have to try. there is no other choice.

in judaism, there's a saying that's said between lovers, man and wife, often inscribed inside their wedding rings. I don't recall the hebrew, but it's translated as: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine". while to her, "beloved" doesn't apply to me anymore, she is still my beloved. she is my beshert, my intended. how could i do anything else?