WARNING: if you're looking for daisies, puppies and feel good crap, you ain't gonna find it here. move along.
Remember that foreign film "It's a Beautiful Life" a few years ago? A guy gets caught up in the chaos of Nazi occupied France (I think, location not important) and despite all the terrible things that happen to him, he never loses his optimism and love of life. In a cosmically ironic ending, he's killed by the last retreating Nazi just moments before help arrives.
I'm not that positive.
Now -THIS- is a beautiful life. Oh, and I'm gonna bitch and moan about how my life sucks. I really don't want to hear how bad your life is, I want to bitch about mine. You don't wanna hear, great; click the Home button now. I don't want to get into a pissing contest. I don't want you trying to show me that it's really not so bad, because "you have your health" (I don't), "you have friends" (I don't), "you have a great job" (I don't) or any of the usual platitudes and bullshit, okay? I WANT TO BITCH.
if you don't like it? fuck off.
now that I think about it, I'm just going to give details of -this week-. If you can read all the way through it and can think of any reason I shouldn't put a fucking bullet in my brain, feel free to leave a comment.
okay.. let's see. there's so much to detail, where do I start? maybe I'll just go chronologically, starting last sunday.
sunday i worked. i'd hoped to resolve the last few bugs in the application i'm working on so the testing could resume and we could deploy the app on schedule. sunday didn't go well. sunday was also probably the best day of the week. by the way, sunday was my 48th straight day of work.
starting monday morning, my blood sugar (i'm borderline diabetic) started soaring from its normal level of about 130 up to as high as 250. i've NEVER had a 250 reading in the 9 months since I was diagnosed. since monday, it's ranged between 175 and 245. no change in diet, no change in meds, no change in anything except about a 1000% boost in overall stress level.
my ex called me. that in itself isn't a -bad- thing, but it's usually a call for more money. not this time. i got a summons delivered to her house. i'm being sued for about $200k over a bad real estate deal from ten years ago, when a "partner" decided he needed a fall guy and i fit the bill. btw, this thing has been hanging like the sword of damocles for a few years now. just at the end of last year it looked like they weren't going to pursue it and i'd started to relax. what the fuck was i thinking?
the flusher handle on my toilet broke. home depot is kinda outta the way so i figured the next time i got there i'd buy one and in the meantime, i lift the lid and pull the chain. inconvenient, but no biggie. one night, in a hurry, i didn't pay attention and the chain got caught under the flapper (hehe, the flapper in the crapper) and kept running. my landlady heard it, zoomed into -my- bathroom and saw the problem and got all FUCKING PISSY about it. no big deal, say i, next time i get to hd, i'll replace it, give you the $6 receipt and all's well in shitterville. not so much. she texted me saying "I took care of the problem". um, okay, fine. except, and pardon me while i chuckle a moment, the one she bought and tried to put on herself didn't fit. sometimes it's the little things in life, ya know?
my beloved and i had a week of fights. wednesday bf "needed" her to do something for him so she left work early; no talk time. thursday, after suffering through my negativity and non-understanding, she decided she'd had enough and -chose- to leave without talking. instead she called hubby to meet her and they went out drinking. i imagine there was a lot more than drinking going on. but, wtf, it's about time she started living her life again.
last night, talking with landlady again, i asked how her daughter was doing in her semester abroad and when she was coming back to the states. "oh, by the way" she says. "she's going to live here when she gets back, so you got 30 days to move out". for real?
i play poker twice a week in a very low key, low stakes ($5 buy in) tournament style game. it's really more of an excuse to get away from the real world than to play "good" poker. well, now we got an asshole who i just cannot tolerate. sometimes there are people with whom you simply cannot make a connection of any kind. he's one of 'em. last night pretty much proved it to me. so, this saturday, which btw is the one year anniversary of our poker group, will be my last night. i will miss them very much.
yesterday B told me that she's pretty much done. not in so many words, but she's about had it up to -here- with me. i guess i don't blame her and i can see her point - i'm negative and constantly "kicking" her. she's right. i do that. but i do that because i don't understand why, after 14 months of "trying to get back together" we're no closer to that goal. i don't understand why she won't leave the situation that she doesn't want to be in, that makes her depressed and unable to come to me. well, duh? isn't -that- obviously a catch 22? our only visit in a year, last september, went poorly. i got angry because when i tried to get within 20' of her, she bolted. we're both over 40 years old; aren't we big enough to just do whatever needs to be done? i don't get it. but that, apparently, is the major reason she's about to kill us.
and today's friday. know what that means? only three more work days til monday. oh joy.
i have no idea whether or not i'l hear from her today. knowing her as i do, i expect she'll at least pop in and say hi and bye. there'll be some reason she can't stay and talk this afternoon like we usually do. and then she'll be off to pick up her life again. and trust me, by monday, she could be waaaaay back into it. by tonight she could have her standing threesome back in action and by sunday she could have had her first gang bang in over a year. whatever she chooses to do, i just want her to find happiness. the happiness that i thought would come with being together with me.
it's not the first time i've been way wrong. probably won't be the last.
oh, i forgot! i left the game early last night, got food, went home. the landlady was painting the inside of the door to the garage (yeah, at 945 at night) and i couldn't even get a beer to have with my food. fuck, really?
i know that some of you people out there with great lives will say "oh, it's not so bad", "it'll get better", "there's always a silver lining". gimme a fucking break. this shit is just what's happened THIS WEEK. do you fucking get that? THIS WEEK.
it's a beautiful life, no?
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
It's back and it's "GTC" - Good Till Canceled
I might be wrong, but I think GTC is a stock broker term for a buy/sell order that's left as a standing order until the buyer cancels it. In other words, it's in effect until further notice.
If only this were a stock trade....
Much to my dismay, her "No Way - 60 Days" order is back in force.
and she wonders why I'm depressed and angry and stressed
If only this were a stock trade....
Much to my dismay, her "No Way - 60 Days" order is back in force.
and she wonders why I'm depressed and angry and stressed
Monday, March 01, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
what will it be like?
lately i've been wondering what the reality of finally being with B will be like. what will going there to meet her for the first time, having her tell me she's left bf, holding her in my arms feel like?
what will our first fuck be like? what will it be like to take her out for dinner for the first time? how will it feel to watch her get undressed and get into bed with me? how will it feel to wrap myself around her and fall asleep? what will it feel like to wake up next to her? to have her wake me up with her mouth or pussy? to wake up, open my eyes and see her lying next to me?
how will it feel to sit and talk with her and figure out what the next few months of our life are going to be like? will we look for an apartment together? will she want one on her own for a while? will she come with me to whatever city i'm in at that time?
what will it feel like to not have to optimize our day to try to get the maximum amount of talk and/or chat time? how will it feel to know that we can talk anytime we want, day or night? how will it feel to actually be a part of her life? or to open my email and find pictures of her, unexpectedly?
how will the end of our first week together feel? the first month? our first (together) anniversary? how will it feel to have her, always? to have "the one" there that knows me so well (and still loves me)? what will it feel like to be walking from one room to another and find her there? to just stand there and look at her? or to walk up behind her, slip my arms around her waist, nuzzle my face in her neck and hair and whisper to her that i love her?
what will it be like the first time i watch another man fuck her? or watch her take on a roomful of guys for the first time (with me). how will it feel when she brings another woman over to me and tells me that she's coming home with us? how will it feel the first time she brings me my belt and says "Master, will you please beat your slut?"
how will it feel the first time i have to leave her at an airport to go back to where i'm working? or to pick her up at the airport the first time she comes to visit me?
how will it feel to finally stand with her in the place we've talked about so often and pledge our lives to each other? how will it feel when she looks me in the eye and says "yes"?
what will our first fuck be like? what will it be like to take her out for dinner for the first time? how will it feel to watch her get undressed and get into bed with me? how will it feel to wrap myself around her and fall asleep? what will it feel like to wake up next to her? to have her wake me up with her mouth or pussy? to wake up, open my eyes and see her lying next to me?
how will it feel to sit and talk with her and figure out what the next few months of our life are going to be like? will we look for an apartment together? will she want one on her own for a while? will she come with me to whatever city i'm in at that time?
what will it feel like to not have to optimize our day to try to get the maximum amount of talk and/or chat time? how will it feel to know that we can talk anytime we want, day or night? how will it feel to actually be a part of her life? or to open my email and find pictures of her, unexpectedly?
how will the end of our first week together feel? the first month? our first (together) anniversary? how will it feel to have her, always? to have "the one" there that knows me so well (and still loves me)? what will it feel like to be walking from one room to another and find her there? to just stand there and look at her? or to walk up behind her, slip my arms around her waist, nuzzle my face in her neck and hair and whisper to her that i love her?
what will it be like the first time i watch another man fuck her? or watch her take on a roomful of guys for the first time (with me). how will it feel when she brings another woman over to me and tells me that she's coming home with us? how will it feel the first time she brings me my belt and says "Master, will you please beat your slut?"
how will it feel the first time i have to leave her at an airport to go back to where i'm working? or to pick her up at the airport the first time she comes to visit me?
how will it feel to finally stand with her in the place we've talked about so often and pledge our lives to each other? how will it feel when she looks me in the eye and says "yes"?
anticipating a big event in the future
anticipating a big event in the future is an interesting experience. think back to some significant event in your life that you looked forward to with great anticipation (or trepidation & anxiety, if you wish, the effect is the same). it could be your 40th birthday, your wedding day, a childs' birth, college graduation, a promotion, an operation or a bat mitzvah.
the perception of time is a funny thing. remember when you were a kid? remember how long summer vacation was? it lasted -forever-. or, remember how hard it was to have to wait an hour for something? it was torture, the hands on the clock took an eternity to move.
as we get older our "experience" with time and the way we view it and relate to it changes. for one thing, consider a day; a single, 24 hour day. to a new born, a day would seem infinitely long - afterall, one day would be DOUBLE their life so far. perceptually that's a huge block of time. but for me, that same 24 hour day flies by. in fact, many of them can fly by with barely a notice, each individual day barely registering. how can this be? well for one thing, to me, a day is just over .005% of my days - of which there've been nearly 19,000. what a difference! in absolute terms, a day is a day is a day, whether my day or the new born's day. but subjectively, that same day is -double- the number of days previously experienced for the new born and for me, it's 1/19,000th of the days i've experienced.
so now we can see that the number of days (or any unit of time) that we've already experienced affects how we perceive future days.
let's go back to the original thought - the anticipation of an event in the future.
here's another factor that affects our perception of time until an event in the future. that factor is whether or not there's a -specific- date or a general date. a specific date example might be: getting married on July 10th of next year. a general date might be: as soon as the house sells. there's a big difference between the two. or an even less specific date: an event date based on something that's going to happen, but you don't have any idea when... it could be today, next thursday or 3 years, 2 months and 17 days from now.
for a specific date future event, there's a finite, known number of days between now and then. if it's 100 days from today then we know that each day is 1% of the total. we know that after today there'll be 99 days; after tomorrow, 98, etc. it doesn't make the future date feel like it gets here any sooner nor does it make each day feel any longer or shorter than any of the other days but we can concretely see that we are closer with every passing day.
i've been anticipating being with my B for almost seven years. let's ignore the first five or so (because she will) and say that i've only been anticipating it for 15 months. this wait is a wait for a non-date specific event to happen, sometime in the future. unlike waiting for "the house to sell", of which you can see specific things transpire that give a pretty good indication of how close that might be to happening: getting a contract, buyer gets approved, title work done, inspections done and finally a closing date. none of those things happening actually make the final future event into a known date (okay, maybe getting a closing date - but if you've ever bought a house, you know that date often doesn't mean a damn thing!); but they do give an indication of the dates' approach.
i've tried to find intermediate events that would signal the impending approach of a date when B and i would finally be together - her starting to tell me of her beginning preparations for leaving bf, or her talking to a lawyer or looking for an apartment, the start of visits, our anniversary, New Years', her anniversary, my birthday. she hasn't talked, ever, about any of her preparations or even thoughts of making "being together" happen. i've chosen dates because they seemed like reasonable dates for us to start. none of them have ever happened or given any concrete indication that the end date was indeed approaching.
if i'm waiting for Tuesday, i know that i only have to go to bed twice and wake up twice and tuesday will be here. but waiting "... until i'm ready and can do it..." is a completely different animal altogether.
because i have no idea of what the conditions need to be for that to happen, it's within the realm of possibility that that day could be today. or tomorrow. thursday. next thursday. my birthday. 146 days from now. next New Years. a year and twelve days from now. or perhaps april 14th, 2019.
upon awakening each and every day, the question arises anew for examination... when will it be? it -could- be today. or not. with no knowledge, every day is just as likely a candidate for being "the day" as any other. one thing for sure though - it's got to be a day closer, right? just by logic alone, doesn't it stand to reason that there's one less day between now and "the date"? it'd be nice to think so, but do we really know that for a fact? no, not really. "the date" could be sliding farther and farther into the future. who knows? since i have no indications of any sort, it could be getting closer, staying the same relative amount of time in the future or be slipping even farther and faster out into the future. after today passes, the date could in fact have been pushed 9 days further into the future. who knows?
so every morning there's some renewed hope that today is the day. it could be, after all, i just don't know. as the day wears on, the perception is that it's becoming less and less likely to happen today. and then finally she says "i have to go" - and then there's no doubt whatsoever that today ain't the day. and, because she didn't say anything about tomorrow, well, tomorrow's not looking so good either.
a week passes. a month. another month. a year. a few years. every day just as likely as any other day to be "the day". but they continue to pass, unused, a day at a time, with still no idea of whether the date is actually getting closer, or farther away, or if it's even being considered.
as if that wasn't good enough - she has no idea either. the only factual statements i've ever been able to get out of her are "not today", "not this weekend", "not for at least 60 days". only statements that rule out days, none that give any positive indication.
i'm pretty sure today isn't the day.
but, i'm hopeful about tomorrow.
the perception of time is a funny thing. remember when you were a kid? remember how long summer vacation was? it lasted -forever-. or, remember how hard it was to have to wait an hour for something? it was torture, the hands on the clock took an eternity to move.
as we get older our "experience" with time and the way we view it and relate to it changes. for one thing, consider a day; a single, 24 hour day. to a new born, a day would seem infinitely long - afterall, one day would be DOUBLE their life so far. perceptually that's a huge block of time. but for me, that same 24 hour day flies by. in fact, many of them can fly by with barely a notice, each individual day barely registering. how can this be? well for one thing, to me, a day is just over .005% of my days - of which there've been nearly 19,000. what a difference! in absolute terms, a day is a day is a day, whether my day or the new born's day. but subjectively, that same day is -double- the number of days previously experienced for the new born and for me, it's 1/19,000th of the days i've experienced.
so now we can see that the number of days (or any unit of time) that we've already experienced affects how we perceive future days.
let's go back to the original thought - the anticipation of an event in the future.
here's another factor that affects our perception of time until an event in the future. that factor is whether or not there's a -specific- date or a general date. a specific date example might be: getting married on July 10th of next year. a general date might be: as soon as the house sells. there's a big difference between the two. or an even less specific date: an event date based on something that's going to happen, but you don't have any idea when... it could be today, next thursday or 3 years, 2 months and 17 days from now.
for a specific date future event, there's a finite, known number of days between now and then. if it's 100 days from today then we know that each day is 1% of the total. we know that after today there'll be 99 days; after tomorrow, 98, etc. it doesn't make the future date feel like it gets here any sooner nor does it make each day feel any longer or shorter than any of the other days but we can concretely see that we are closer with every passing day.
i've been anticipating being with my B for almost seven years. let's ignore the first five or so (because she will) and say that i've only been anticipating it for 15 months. this wait is a wait for a non-date specific event to happen, sometime in the future. unlike waiting for "the house to sell", of which you can see specific things transpire that give a pretty good indication of how close that might be to happening: getting a contract, buyer gets approved, title work done, inspections done and finally a closing date. none of those things happening actually make the final future event into a known date (okay, maybe getting a closing date - but if you've ever bought a house, you know that date often doesn't mean a damn thing!); but they do give an indication of the dates' approach.
i've tried to find intermediate events that would signal the impending approach of a date when B and i would finally be together - her starting to tell me of her beginning preparations for leaving bf, or her talking to a lawyer or looking for an apartment, the start of visits, our anniversary, New Years', her anniversary, my birthday. she hasn't talked, ever, about any of her preparations or even thoughts of making "being together" happen. i've chosen dates because they seemed like reasonable dates for us to start. none of them have ever happened or given any concrete indication that the end date was indeed approaching.
if i'm waiting for Tuesday, i know that i only have to go to bed twice and wake up twice and tuesday will be here. but waiting "... until i'm ready and can do it..." is a completely different animal altogether.
because i have no idea of what the conditions need to be for that to happen, it's within the realm of possibility that that day could be today. or tomorrow. thursday. next thursday. my birthday. 146 days from now. next New Years. a year and twelve days from now. or perhaps april 14th, 2019.
upon awakening each and every day, the question arises anew for examination... when will it be? it -could- be today. or not. with no knowledge, every day is just as likely a candidate for being "the day" as any other. one thing for sure though - it's got to be a day closer, right? just by logic alone, doesn't it stand to reason that there's one less day between now and "the date"? it'd be nice to think so, but do we really know that for a fact? no, not really. "the date" could be sliding farther and farther into the future. who knows? since i have no indications of any sort, it could be getting closer, staying the same relative amount of time in the future or be slipping even farther and faster out into the future. after today passes, the date could in fact have been pushed 9 days further into the future. who knows?
so every morning there's some renewed hope that today is the day. it could be, after all, i just don't know. as the day wears on, the perception is that it's becoming less and less likely to happen today. and then finally she says "i have to go" - and then there's no doubt whatsoever that today ain't the day. and, because she didn't say anything about tomorrow, well, tomorrow's not looking so good either.
a week passes. a month. another month. a year. a few years. every day just as likely as any other day to be "the day". but they continue to pass, unused, a day at a time, with still no idea of whether the date is actually getting closer, or farther away, or if it's even being considered.
as if that wasn't good enough - she has no idea either. the only factual statements i've ever been able to get out of her are "not today", "not this weekend", "not for at least 60 days". only statements that rule out days, none that give any positive indication.
i'm pretty sure today isn't the day.
but, i'm hopeful about tomorrow.
facts or opinions?
five days a week i end my day with my love holding a dead phone, thinking about her, over a thousand miles away, saying "i gotta go", then click, silence and the sound of a call disconnecting. two days a week i don't even get to talk to her - because she left on friday to go home to her life.
what is it that she has there that makes it so worthwhile staying for, what makes it so impossible for her to leave? is it money? security? love? familiarity?
maybe i'm looking at the problem the wrong way. i always consider it from the point of view that i assume she wants to be here instead of there but that something holds her too strongly. what if that's not the case at all? what if it's not that her life is keeping her from coming here? what if the real problem is that she doesn't see enough here to even consider leaving? i've sort of assumed that she's dying to get over here but just having a hard time letting go of bf. what if it's not a case of having a hard time letting go, but rather a case of nothing worth letting go for?
what if all the time i've been wondering "why won't she let go?" she's been thinking "why should i let go?".
as jeff goldblum said in "The Big Chill" - "rationalization is a wonderful thing.. try getting through a day without one or two juicy rationalizations"... (ok, not a quote, but close enough).
opinions are what we believe, facts are what we know. facts can be very disturbing when they contradict opinions.
what is it that she has there that makes it so worthwhile staying for, what makes it so impossible for her to leave? is it money? security? love? familiarity?
maybe i'm looking at the problem the wrong way. i always consider it from the point of view that i assume she wants to be here instead of there but that something holds her too strongly. what if that's not the case at all? what if it's not that her life is keeping her from coming here? what if the real problem is that she doesn't see enough here to even consider leaving? i've sort of assumed that she's dying to get over here but just having a hard time letting go of bf. what if it's not a case of having a hard time letting go, but rather a case of nothing worth letting go for?
what if all the time i've been wondering "why won't she let go?" she's been thinking "why should i let go?".
as jeff goldblum said in "The Big Chill" - "rationalization is a wonderful thing.. try getting through a day without one or two juicy rationalizations"... (ok, not a quote, but close enough).
opinions are what we believe, facts are what we know. facts can be very disturbing when they contradict opinions.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
i'm curious about something
my baby and i have known each other almost seven years. we've been trying, back and forth, to get together, actually -together- (for good) for over two years.
still no joy in mudville.
but here's what i'm questioning....
as each day passes, does it make it more likely or less likely that we'll be together? I could certainly argue it either way.
as each day passes, if she still hasn't been able to decide what to do... it seems less and less likely, doesn't it?
on the other hand, she says it's what she wants, so as each day passes, doesn't it make it more likely that tomorrow will be the day it finally happens?
those would be equally "strong" viewpoints, were it a case of "everything else being equal"... but that's not the case...
she knows and agrees that being apart is hurting us. more and more harm done to us, to our hearts, to our souls with every passing day.. with every hardship incurred because of this fucking situation. every day chips away at us. every day brings less time to spend together. lunches are down to 30-45 minutes. quite a difference from when she would spend a couple hours at lunch fucking d. our afterwork time has declined to about 45 minutes too... maybe 45 is the new hour.
all that considered, i'm going to have to fall on the side of each passing day making it less and less likely.
g-d... i wish that weren't true...
still no joy in mudville.
but here's what i'm questioning....
as each day passes, does it make it more likely or less likely that we'll be together? I could certainly argue it either way.
as each day passes, if she still hasn't been able to decide what to do... it seems less and less likely, doesn't it?
on the other hand, she says it's what she wants, so as each day passes, doesn't it make it more likely that tomorrow will be the day it finally happens?
those would be equally "strong" viewpoints, were it a case of "everything else being equal"... but that's not the case...
she knows and agrees that being apart is hurting us. more and more harm done to us, to our hearts, to our souls with every passing day.. with every hardship incurred because of this fucking situation. every day chips away at us. every day brings less time to spend together. lunches are down to 30-45 minutes. quite a difference from when she would spend a couple hours at lunch fucking d. our afterwork time has declined to about 45 minutes too... maybe 45 is the new hour.
all that considered, i'm going to have to fall on the side of each passing day making it less and less likely.
g-d... i wish that weren't true...
another milestone quietly passes
earlier this week an important (to me) milestone passed... with little or no fanfare.
it was a marker in time in two ways...
the first was as her anniversary. the two year mark in a marriage she shouldn't have gotten into, wouldn't have gotten into, had i not fucked up.
the second marker was for me... since january (09), i've been anxiously waiting and hoping that she'd be able to forgive me enough to want to be together. starting from the disasterous september visit, then rolling right into the "holiday blackout" and then her out and out telling me "no way for at least 60 days" (that was about 140 days ago) and then, finally coming out of the blackout we roll right up against her anniversary.. and of course there's no way she would have left before then... it would have hurt his feelings.
but now that day has passed. with little fanfare. i sent her cards and wished her happy anniversary...
in my mind, once her anniversary was past, there should be no other artificial impediments to us getting together (other than her still being nauseated by my presence). my birthday, in a month, might present some obstacle to her, because we had targeted my birthday as the date we'd be together... two years ago.
as much as i've thought about all that's going on, i never really believed that as soon as her anniversary passed that she'd be talking about getting together. really, not even in my heart of hearts.
doesn't mean i don't wish for it though.
so... is the passing of her anniversary a good thing or a bad thing? well, it can't be a bad thing, other than the fact that she's celebrating two years of marriage (and 17 years of being together) with a man she's not in love with instead of with me.
is it a good thing? dunno. i'm not sure that in and of itself it has any inherent "goodness" or "badness". it just is.
one thing it does signify though.... since there are now -no- "bad karma" dates or other dates that would hurt bf's feelings for several months (probably the Fourth is the next one... her famous (fuck) party)... then the ONLY reason we're not together is that she doesn't want to be.
yep.. every day that passes is another reminder that i hurt her so badly that she can't even consider being with me.. still... after all this time.
it was a marker in time in two ways...
the first was as her anniversary. the two year mark in a marriage she shouldn't have gotten into, wouldn't have gotten into, had i not fucked up.
the second marker was for me... since january (09), i've been anxiously waiting and hoping that she'd be able to forgive me enough to want to be together. starting from the disasterous september visit, then rolling right into the "holiday blackout" and then her out and out telling me "no way for at least 60 days" (that was about 140 days ago) and then, finally coming out of the blackout we roll right up against her anniversary.. and of course there's no way she would have left before then... it would have hurt his feelings.
but now that day has passed. with little fanfare. i sent her cards and wished her happy anniversary...
in my mind, once her anniversary was past, there should be no other artificial impediments to us getting together (other than her still being nauseated by my presence). my birthday, in a month, might present some obstacle to her, because we had targeted my birthday as the date we'd be together... two years ago.
as much as i've thought about all that's going on, i never really believed that as soon as her anniversary passed that she'd be talking about getting together. really, not even in my heart of hearts.
doesn't mean i don't wish for it though.
so... is the passing of her anniversary a good thing or a bad thing? well, it can't be a bad thing, other than the fact that she's celebrating two years of marriage (and 17 years of being together) with a man she's not in love with instead of with me.
is it a good thing? dunno. i'm not sure that in and of itself it has any inherent "goodness" or "badness". it just is.
one thing it does signify though.... since there are now -no- "bad karma" dates or other dates that would hurt bf's feelings for several months (probably the Fourth is the next one... her famous (fuck) party)... then the ONLY reason we're not together is that she doesn't want to be.
yep.. every day that passes is another reminder that i hurt her so badly that she can't even consider being with me.. still... after all this time.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
no matter how bad you think it might be, it's always worse
my baby called me today. we skyped and i got to see her. might seem like no big deal to you, but it is to me.. i haven't seen her face in probably... 8 weeks? maybe more?
she's trying hard to work her way back to trusting me enough to be together.
she's finding it's not an easy thing to do.
all throughout this period, i've gone on the ?theory? that by making little steps, you become accustomed to them, they then no longer seem like a big deal and then you can progress on from there, a little at a time, until you're comfortable, then push a little more, until finally you wind up where you want to be. she agrees with this approach.
i've had a number of my own "milestone" dates that have come and go that i thought would be milestones for us as well... last Fourth, her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas/new years, her anniversary (shortly), my birthday (soon) and then one other before our anniversary in late july.
there's a fairly significant (in my life) family type event taking place in the next three months. my baby and i have talked for years about this event and we'd pretty much taken it for granted that she'd be attending it with me.. .meaning she'd have left bf and we'd be together.
even today i hope for that, despite her basically telling me the other day why she -shouldn't- be there. as much as i hated what that meant for -us- i could see merit in her case. whether her decision was based on those considerations or a convenient cover for why we wouldn't be together by then doesn't really matter; the end result is the same.
anyway, i digress.
i may be using the terms incorrectly, but right now? tough shit. deal with it. there's a classic experiment involving a frog and a beaker of hot water, the point of which is to illustrate "acclimatization" or "growing accustomed" or the effect of small gradual change vs large sudden change. in the experiment, it's observed that if you put a frog into a beaker of hot water, it will thrash and jump and do everything to get the hell out of the hot water. the frog has been subjected to a large sudden change and is not adapting to it at all, attempting to escape the change completely.
wait, we're not done.
the other half of the experiment involves placing the frog into a beaker of room temperature water and then slowly heating the water to boiling. when the frog is initially placed into the beaker of water it may notice some change ("croak, hmmm, this waters' a little warmer the air, but at least i'm in water now, croak"). as the water is slowly heated, the frog doesn't really pay much attention; after all, the change in temperature is tiny and slow. ("croak, mmm, this water feels nice and comfy right now, croak").
continuing to SLOWLY heat the water to the point where the frog -dies- produces little more reaction from the frog. why? because the change in temperature, even though ultimately a "not good" thing for the frog, is so gradual that it's overlooked. the frog becomes accustomed to it's current situation, which doesn't seem like a bad thing. small change, small change, small change until finally, by taking a larger view, we see that in fact there's been a HUGE change from the beginning.. much to the dismay of the experimental frog (now referred to as frog soup ;-) ).
now at this point you may be asking yourself "self? what the fuck does this have to do with anything?" or possibly "man, i really need to get a life and stop reading this shit". either way, i'm gonna press on.
(suspenseful music slowly building to a powerful climax.....)
so, what's the point? really, there is one...
there've been several times where i've tried to apply the above concept of small changes to my baby and our relationship; she's even suggested it. last july, i suggested that rather than her thinking that doing things for me (like pics, explicit pics, writings, all the little things she normally does for the men in her life) that she think of us not as two people trying to get back together, during which period she's forcing herself to do things for me that she doesn't think i deserve, that instead she think of us as a couple already together who are temporarily separated by my job and that if she could take on that mindset, that the things she'd normally do for another wouldn't feel so wrong or oppressive or undeserved by me. she agreed. in fact, she thought is was a very good idea and that it made a lot of sense. she did warn me though, that "the walls won't just crumble and everything come rushing out". i knew that, i told her, and i didn't expect that to happen.
it's now late february of the following year; about seven months later. i'm not sure, but i think she might be starting to come around.
today we video-skyped.. :-D (the very fact that i was allowed to see her is significant and was completely unexpected). during the course of the call, i asked her to look at her video preview of herself and to see just exactly what i saw - which was her from about mid throat up, occasionally i'd see a shoulder, at least enough to know that she was wearing something.
i thought about the frog and the accumulative effect of small, painless changes.
so i said to her... baby, do you see what i can see of you? do you see that i can only see you from the neck up?
"yes", she said.
"why don't you unzip your hoodie and flash me your tits, even though I can't see them?" i figured that was a pretty ?painless? action - even though it involved her baring her tits (which she'll do for just about anybody) there was no way that i could see them.. so even though i didn't "deserve" it, it was very ?low cost? to her, in terms of what she'd be "giving" me.
so picture this... she's in her family room, sitting on a chair pulled up to the computer armoire. she's facing AWAY from the next door neighbor's yard where the neighbors' kids are playing, probably a minimum of 60', maybe 75' -behind- her. she's inside her house. if you'd been standing at her patio door, looking in, you -might- have seen her move, but you'd only have seen her unzip her hoodie, pull it open then zip it up again. frankly, unless you were standing very close and just off to one side of her, you'd have never thought twice about it.. it would've looked like she was just opening her jacket for a sec to cool off or something.
apparently, instead of slowing heating the water, i'd turned on the flamethrower/microwaver/blowtorch underneath the beaker of water. her immediate reaction was "no".
her reason? the neighbor kids were playing in the yard. she's always very cognizant of youngsters around, especially when she's being sexual. i'm sure the 30+ guy gangbangs at her house were all done after the neighbor kids were asleep.
she wouldn't open her jacket while facing the armoire, even though i'd see nothing of it, because the neighbor kids were in their yard, probably 75' -behind- her.
does anyone have -any- doubts of what she thinks i deserve?
no, me either.
she won't be attending my "significant event", but that's because she doesn't feel it'd be proper. oh, and because we won't be together then.
sometime last year i'd asked her if she thought we'd be together by our 7th anniversary, this coming july. "absolutely" was her answer.
i'm hoping she'll let me come visit her, see her, be in the same room with her - for our anniversary, for her birthday in september or by new year's.
i'm hopeful.
she's trying hard to work her way back to trusting me enough to be together.
she's finding it's not an easy thing to do.
all throughout this period, i've gone on the ?theory? that by making little steps, you become accustomed to them, they then no longer seem like a big deal and then you can progress on from there, a little at a time, until you're comfortable, then push a little more, until finally you wind up where you want to be. she agrees with this approach.
i've had a number of my own "milestone" dates that have come and go that i thought would be milestones for us as well... last Fourth, her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas/new years, her anniversary (shortly), my birthday (soon) and then one other before our anniversary in late july.
there's a fairly significant (in my life) family type event taking place in the next three months. my baby and i have talked for years about this event and we'd pretty much taken it for granted that she'd be attending it with me.. .meaning she'd have left bf and we'd be together.
even today i hope for that, despite her basically telling me the other day why she -shouldn't- be there. as much as i hated what that meant for -us- i could see merit in her case. whether her decision was based on those considerations or a convenient cover for why we wouldn't be together by then doesn't really matter; the end result is the same.
anyway, i digress.
i may be using the terms incorrectly, but right now? tough shit. deal with it. there's a classic experiment involving a frog and a beaker of hot water, the point of which is to illustrate "acclimatization" or "growing accustomed" or the effect of small gradual change vs large sudden change. in the experiment, it's observed that if you put a frog into a beaker of hot water, it will thrash and jump and do everything to get the hell out of the hot water. the frog has been subjected to a large sudden change and is not adapting to it at all, attempting to escape the change completely.
wait, we're not done.
the other half of the experiment involves placing the frog into a beaker of room temperature water and then slowly heating the water to boiling. when the frog is initially placed into the beaker of water it may notice some change ("croak, hmmm, this waters' a little warmer the air, but at least i'm in water now, croak"). as the water is slowly heated, the frog doesn't really pay much attention; after all, the change in temperature is tiny and slow. ("croak, mmm, this water feels nice and comfy right now, croak").
continuing to SLOWLY heat the water to the point where the frog -dies- produces little more reaction from the frog. why? because the change in temperature, even though ultimately a "not good" thing for the frog, is so gradual that it's overlooked. the frog becomes accustomed to it's current situation, which doesn't seem like a bad thing. small change, small change, small change until finally, by taking a larger view, we see that in fact there's been a HUGE change from the beginning.. much to the dismay of the experimental frog (now referred to as frog soup ;-) ).
now at this point you may be asking yourself "self? what the fuck does this have to do with anything?" or possibly "man, i really need to get a life and stop reading this shit". either way, i'm gonna press on.
(suspenseful music slowly building to a powerful climax.....)
so, what's the point? really, there is one...
there've been several times where i've tried to apply the above concept of small changes to my baby and our relationship; she's even suggested it. last july, i suggested that rather than her thinking that doing things for me (like pics, explicit pics, writings, all the little things she normally does for the men in her life) that she think of us not as two people trying to get back together, during which period she's forcing herself to do things for me that she doesn't think i deserve, that instead she think of us as a couple already together who are temporarily separated by my job and that if she could take on that mindset, that the things she'd normally do for another wouldn't feel so wrong or oppressive or undeserved by me. she agreed. in fact, she thought is was a very good idea and that it made a lot of sense. she did warn me though, that "the walls won't just crumble and everything come rushing out". i knew that, i told her, and i didn't expect that to happen.
it's now late february of the following year; about seven months later. i'm not sure, but i think she might be starting to come around.
today we video-skyped.. :-D (the very fact that i was allowed to see her is significant and was completely unexpected). during the course of the call, i asked her to look at her video preview of herself and to see just exactly what i saw - which was her from about mid throat up, occasionally i'd see a shoulder, at least enough to know that she was wearing something.
i thought about the frog and the accumulative effect of small, painless changes.
so i said to her... baby, do you see what i can see of you? do you see that i can only see you from the neck up?
"yes", she said.
"why don't you unzip your hoodie and flash me your tits, even though I can't see them?" i figured that was a pretty ?painless? action - even though it involved her baring her tits (which she'll do for just about anybody) there was no way that i could see them.. so even though i didn't "deserve" it, it was very ?low cost? to her, in terms of what she'd be "giving" me.
so picture this... she's in her family room, sitting on a chair pulled up to the computer armoire. she's facing AWAY from the next door neighbor's yard where the neighbors' kids are playing, probably a minimum of 60', maybe 75' -behind- her. she's inside her house. if you'd been standing at her patio door, looking in, you -might- have seen her move, but you'd only have seen her unzip her hoodie, pull it open then zip it up again. frankly, unless you were standing very close and just off to one side of her, you'd have never thought twice about it.. it would've looked like she was just opening her jacket for a sec to cool off or something.
apparently, instead of slowing heating the water, i'd turned on the flamethrower/microwaver/blowtorch underneath the beaker of water. her immediate reaction was "no".
her reason? the neighbor kids were playing in the yard. she's always very cognizant of youngsters around, especially when she's being sexual. i'm sure the 30+ guy gangbangs at her house were all done after the neighbor kids were asleep.
she wouldn't open her jacket while facing the armoire, even though i'd see nothing of it, because the neighbor kids were in their yard, probably 75' -behind- her.
does anyone have -any- doubts of what she thinks i deserve?
no, me either.
she won't be attending my "significant event", but that's because she doesn't feel it'd be proper. oh, and because we won't be together then.
sometime last year i'd asked her if she thought we'd be together by our 7th anniversary, this coming july. "absolutely" was her answer.
i'm hoping she'll let me come visit her, see her, be in the same room with her - for our anniversary, for her birthday in september or by new year's.
i'm hopeful.
:-D it's saturday and my baby called me! :-D
i don't think it gets much better than this... my baby called this morning about 8am... we got to talk, skype, no less, for almost two hours...
two hours...
:-) g-d....
i know for all you people (fuckers) who have real world, in person relationships, talking for two hours on a saturday morning might not seem like a big deal to you... well, that's because you don't appreciate just how much you really have... these two hours were like an additional, i dunno, 20% of -extra- time that we got to talk this week... imagine being with your lover and being granted an extra day and a half for the weekend, to spend together... then maybe you'll have some small notion of what getting two extra hours to talk is like for me.
and fuck you for being so superior. this is the relationship i have with -my- love. fine, i get that you actually get to hold, kiss and sleep with your love. you get to call her anytime you want, talk, anytime you want... do things -together-.
fuck you.
this is my life, my love and my relationship. i'd rather have this with her than anything else.
well, except for actually having her in my life, physically, every day. that i would prefer. but it's not what i have and may never have.
but i have her.
two hours...
:-) g-d....
i know for all you people (fuckers) who have real world, in person relationships, talking for two hours on a saturday morning might not seem like a big deal to you... well, that's because you don't appreciate just how much you really have... these two hours were like an additional, i dunno, 20% of -extra- time that we got to talk this week... imagine being with your lover and being granted an extra day and a half for the weekend, to spend together... then maybe you'll have some small notion of what getting two extra hours to talk is like for me.
and fuck you for being so superior. this is the relationship i have with -my- love. fine, i get that you actually get to hold, kiss and sleep with your love. you get to call her anytime you want, talk, anytime you want... do things -together-.
fuck you.
this is my life, my love and my relationship. i'd rather have this with her than anything else.
well, except for actually having her in my life, physically, every day. that i would prefer. but it's not what i have and may never have.
but i have her.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
i admit i'm dense.. but..
some things are so difficult for me to follow...
my baby tells me that she hopes we could skype last night, because it's been awhile since she's seen me (and me her). i always hope we can skype, because i seldom get to see her. i say "i'll send you pictures whenever you want". "it's not the same."
yeah, i know.
somehow, whoever the spooks are who take such delight in disrupting our communications (you can scoff here, but NO ONE has ever had so many problems with phones, calling cards, email, chat and skype), they must have been off duty yesterday or snoozing in the corner, because, against all odds, our skype video chat WORKED!
IT WORKED!!!
there's a sense of, i dunno, immediate relief when the connection completes, the picture starts to form.. and there they are... for her, me... for me, her.... it's a palpable relief, a long-awaited "finally!"...
she felt it... expressed it... "there's my baby"... big smile.... i too had the same reaction..."finally, my baby, there she is"....
she had a nice clear pic... (not that i understand why anyone would want a nice clear view of me!).. smiled big... i had the same kind of quality pic.. good video, little "stuttering", no frame freezing, good audio... and the same best picture that i usually get.. her, silhoutted by light from windows behind her... her entire face cast in shadow with an occasional almost-kinda-see-you-a-little when she'd move side to side or turn her head.... she could see a 3" figurine on the top of a 6' foot bookshelf behind me, she could see me clearly.... i could make out things on the counter 15' behind her.... and nothing other than a dark silhouette where she sat.
it's been this way for some time. she knows i can barely ever see her. i've asked her to please, please put a lamp or something near her so there's some light on her face so i can actually see her... or to use the laptop and sit at the counter (she did that once before and i had a crystal clear view of her)... but, she says, there's already a light overhead in the armoire where the desktop is... and it's too much hassle to get the laptop out, set it up, then have to hurriedly put it away when bf comes home....
i asked her if she could see me okay; very well, she said... can you see me? she asks... in an admittedly smart ass voice i said "i can see your silhouette as well as ever, but i can't see you". hey, it hurts, you know? hurts that it's important for her to see me, that she KNOWS how desperately i want to see her, but my not being able to is not really a problem... after all, i don't deserve it yet...
she turned off her video.
i guess it don't get much clearer than that, does it? this is what you get, this is all you deserve; if that's not good enough for you, fine. have nothing.
i'm not sure what shocks and hurts me the most... that i still don't deserve to see her face? that she knows how important it is to me to see her but she won't do anything to facilitate that? that because i was unhappy with the non-picture of her she punished me more by turning off her video completely? or that after 15 months she still can't have me anywhere near her?
maybe it doesn't matter, honestly. she can do whatever she wants, as much or as little as she wants in terms of "giving" to me... and i'll take it.
it does shock me that she's so angry when i'm not happy with the miniscule parts of her that she doles out to me... she's so angry with me... i don't know if it's really "new" anger about the whatever-it-is-that-just-happened or if it's left over pain/anger/rage from so long ago....
probably doesn't matter.. the end result is the same...
she stays with bf.
my baby tells me that she hopes we could skype last night, because it's been awhile since she's seen me (and me her). i always hope we can skype, because i seldom get to see her. i say "i'll send you pictures whenever you want". "it's not the same."
yeah, i know.
somehow, whoever the spooks are who take such delight in disrupting our communications (you can scoff here, but NO ONE has ever had so many problems with phones, calling cards, email, chat and skype), they must have been off duty yesterday or snoozing in the corner, because, against all odds, our skype video chat WORKED!
IT WORKED!!!
there's a sense of, i dunno, immediate relief when the connection completes, the picture starts to form.. and there they are... for her, me... for me, her.... it's a palpable relief, a long-awaited "finally!"...
she felt it... expressed it... "there's my baby"... big smile.... i too had the same reaction..."finally, my baby, there she is"....
she had a nice clear pic... (not that i understand why anyone would want a nice clear view of me!).. smiled big... i had the same kind of quality pic.. good video, little "stuttering", no frame freezing, good audio... and the same best picture that i usually get.. her, silhoutted by light from windows behind her... her entire face cast in shadow with an occasional almost-kinda-see-you-a-little when she'd move side to side or turn her head.... she could see a 3" figurine on the top of a 6' foot bookshelf behind me, she could see me clearly.... i could make out things on the counter 15' behind her.... and nothing other than a dark silhouette where she sat.
it's been this way for some time. she knows i can barely ever see her. i've asked her to please, please put a lamp or something near her so there's some light on her face so i can actually see her... or to use the laptop and sit at the counter (she did that once before and i had a crystal clear view of her)... but, she says, there's already a light overhead in the armoire where the desktop is... and it's too much hassle to get the laptop out, set it up, then have to hurriedly put it away when bf comes home....
i asked her if she could see me okay; very well, she said... can you see me? she asks... in an admittedly smart ass voice i said "i can see your silhouette as well as ever, but i can't see you". hey, it hurts, you know? hurts that it's important for her to see me, that she KNOWS how desperately i want to see her, but my not being able to is not really a problem... after all, i don't deserve it yet...
she turned off her video.
i guess it don't get much clearer than that, does it? this is what you get, this is all you deserve; if that's not good enough for you, fine. have nothing.
i'm not sure what shocks and hurts me the most... that i still don't deserve to see her face? that she knows how important it is to me to see her but she won't do anything to facilitate that? that because i was unhappy with the non-picture of her she punished me more by turning off her video completely? or that after 15 months she still can't have me anywhere near her?
maybe it doesn't matter, honestly. she can do whatever she wants, as much or as little as she wants in terms of "giving" to me... and i'll take it.
it does shock me that she's so angry when i'm not happy with the miniscule parts of her that she doles out to me... she's so angry with me... i don't know if it's really "new" anger about the whatever-it-is-that-just-happened or if it's left over pain/anger/rage from so long ago....
probably doesn't matter.. the end result is the same...
she stays with bf.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
not on -that- day
for no particular reason, other than curiosity, yesterday i did some math.
yesterday was the 2,400th day since B and I first talked on the phone. we'd chatted and/or emailed for about a week before that. not counting holidays and sick days and days we didn't get to talk, that means we've talked about 1,700 days.
if it takes us 600 more days to get together, for 3,000 total, that'll be 10/09/2011. that seems way farther away than looking back to the first day...
=======
there's a significant family event coming up soon.... interestingly, on the day after the 5th anniversary of my divorce. Or, you could say the 1st day of the first year without one legal obligation. I'd hoped, against hope, that B would come to it with me. She'd always said she would, that we'd be together by then.
as the days have ticked by, she's become less sure.
yesterday she made convincing arguments on why she -shouldn't- be there. they make sense too.
it's also a way to prepare me for -not- being together by then.
not that she needs another reason. or any reason at all. i suppose being married is reason enough, ya know? there needs to be a compelling reason to leave a marriage, ya know?
yesterday was the 2,400th day since B and I first talked on the phone. we'd chatted and/or emailed for about a week before that. not counting holidays and sick days and days we didn't get to talk, that means we've talked about 1,700 days.
if it takes us 600 more days to get together, for 3,000 total, that'll be 10/09/2011. that seems way farther away than looking back to the first day...
=======
there's a significant family event coming up soon.... interestingly, on the day after the 5th anniversary of my divorce. Or, you could say the 1st day of the first year without one legal obligation. I'd hoped, against hope, that B would come to it with me. She'd always said she would, that we'd be together by then.
as the days have ticked by, she's become less sure.
yesterday she made convincing arguments on why she -shouldn't- be there. they make sense too.
it's also a way to prepare me for -not- being together by then.
not that she needs another reason. or any reason at all. i suppose being married is reason enough, ya know? there needs to be a compelling reason to leave a marriage, ya know?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
todays' word of the day: Harbinger
Punxsutawney Phil looking for his shadow... the coin toss at a football game... the stop light turning yellow... people in white coats standing over you looking down & yelling "CLEAR"....
what do all these things have in common?
they are all absolute harbingers of the events to immediately follow....
from dictionary.com:
i have a particular future in mind, one that i've been waiting for, trying to make happen (and sabotaging my own efforts in the meantime) for a long, long time... a future with my baby, B.
i keep looking for a -sign- that we're moving closer to that future.. i keep looking... despite my lack of spotting any, i try to keep this in mind.. "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". makes sense. just because i can't find any indications that there is intelligent life in the universe is certainly not proof that there isn't...
so i have part of the equation... i know what will happen -if/when- something else, the harbinger, happens.. the only problem is... i have no ide what that might be... in kind of a backwards approach, i can see the negative corrollaries... if x doesn't happen, that future won't happen... if y doesn't happen, that future won't happen..
ok, so i don't have a harbinger. i can imagine what some examples of that might be... she leaves bf... she tells me to come see her and she gives herself to me... she says quit and move here to be with me... all those will pretty much be a damn solid indication of things to come...
what i do have are things that, without them happening, the desired future -is not- about to happen... the killer is that these are such "small" things in the ordinary world... but they're HUGE in this relationship..
my baby has a handful of pictures of her that i've asked for for years.. and no, they're not sex pix... most of them are about as innocent and non-privacy-invasive as you could imagine.... there's one of her in a pink t-shirt, wearing a ball cap with a pony tail.... a pic of her in a bikini... a pic of her in her wedding dress.... a pic of her wearing any of several tops i've bought for her... and one that, okay, is a -little- personal... I recently made and sent her something of significant meaning to her and I, and it's something that is publicly viewable, so it's not like panties or anything... i've been waiting for these pics for between 4 years and 2 weeks. she's fucked strangers in bars but won't let me see her in a ponytail.
is the picture thing a huge deal? maybe not. should it be? no, i can't imagine why it should. what i do know is that until she can let herself do something so... ?normal?innocent? nothing else will happen. strangers see her everyday. she has no problem with that. i'm hopefully a little more important to her than the strangers at the supermarket or that she jogs past while wearing a cap and a ponytail, but i'm not allowed to see such ordinary, everyday images of her. she -knows- how that makes me feel.
allowing my to see those pictures is not a harbinger of us getting together; many, many other things need to happen. but i do know that -until- i've earned the right to see them, until she decides that i'm allowed, that future isn't happening.
another "anti-harbinger" is visits to see her. in 15 months, i've seen her on one occasion and that visit didn't go so well. it's hard to imagine, all things considered, that she'd go from where we are now, IE having not seen each other since for-fucking-ever, to leaving hubby and starting a life with me, without at least -some- visits in between. -i- could; i could and would pick up today and move to be with her, move in together -tonight-, no hesitation. she can't even consider a possible date for another visit.
another "anti-harbinger".... talking to me about her plans. for her and i to be together, she has to get her things (finances, etc) lined up before leaving her husband. this requires planning, talking to an attorney, talking about tentative dates, talking about how we'll get together, what it will be like, talking about how we'll finally fulfill the dream of being together. we don't talk about any of that. i try to get her to at least think about us getting together in the hope that perhaps the desire for it will push her to start acting. we don't talk about any of that.
what do all these things have in common?
they are all absolute harbingers of the events to immediately follow....
from dictionary.com:
har-bin-ger [hahr-bin-jer]we -know- Phil is gonna see or not see his shadow and we're all going to then turn away feeling a little foolish for having gone to a freakin' groundhog for meteorological advice.. we -know- that the coin is gonna come down and someone will get possession of the ball.... we -know- the light is gonna turn red and we're gonna have to stop... we -know- they're about to shock the shit out of us and well, this is it or not...
–noun
2. anything that foreshadows a future event; omen; sign: Frost is a harbinger of winter.
Synonyms:
2. herald, forerunner, precursor, portent, indication.
i have a particular future in mind, one that i've been waiting for, trying to make happen (and sabotaging my own efforts in the meantime) for a long, long time... a future with my baby, B.
i keep looking for a -sign- that we're moving closer to that future.. i keep looking... despite my lack of spotting any, i try to keep this in mind.. "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". makes sense. just because i can't find any indications that there is intelligent life in the universe is certainly not proof that there isn't...
so i have part of the equation... i know what will happen -if/when- something else, the harbinger, happens.. the only problem is... i have no ide what that might be... in kind of a backwards approach, i can see the negative corrollaries... if x doesn't happen, that future won't happen... if y doesn't happen, that future won't happen..
ok, so i don't have a harbinger. i can imagine what some examples of that might be... she leaves bf... she tells me to come see her and she gives herself to me... she says quit and move here to be with me... all those will pretty much be a damn solid indication of things to come...
what i do have are things that, without them happening, the desired future -is not- about to happen... the killer is that these are such "small" things in the ordinary world... but they're HUGE in this relationship..
my baby has a handful of pictures of her that i've asked for for years.. and no, they're not sex pix... most of them are about as innocent and non-privacy-invasive as you could imagine.... there's one of her in a pink t-shirt, wearing a ball cap with a pony tail.... a pic of her in a bikini... a pic of her in her wedding dress.... a pic of her wearing any of several tops i've bought for her... and one that, okay, is a -little- personal... I recently made and sent her something of significant meaning to her and I, and it's something that is publicly viewable, so it's not like panties or anything... i've been waiting for these pics for between 4 years and 2 weeks. she's fucked strangers in bars but won't let me see her in a ponytail.
is the picture thing a huge deal? maybe not. should it be? no, i can't imagine why it should. what i do know is that until she can let herself do something so... ?normal?innocent? nothing else will happen. strangers see her everyday. she has no problem with that. i'm hopefully a little more important to her than the strangers at the supermarket or that she jogs past while wearing a cap and a ponytail, but i'm not allowed to see such ordinary, everyday images of her. she -knows- how that makes me feel.
allowing my to see those pictures is not a harbinger of us getting together; many, many other things need to happen. but i do know that -until- i've earned the right to see them, until she decides that i'm allowed, that future isn't happening.
another "anti-harbinger" is visits to see her. in 15 months, i've seen her on one occasion and that visit didn't go so well. it's hard to imagine, all things considered, that she'd go from where we are now, IE having not seen each other since for-fucking-ever, to leaving hubby and starting a life with me, without at least -some- visits in between. -i- could; i could and would pick up today and move to be with her, move in together -tonight-, no hesitation. she can't even consider a possible date for another visit.
another "anti-harbinger".... talking to me about her plans. for her and i to be together, she has to get her things (finances, etc) lined up before leaving her husband. this requires planning, talking to an attorney, talking about tentative dates, talking about how we'll get together, what it will be like, talking about how we'll finally fulfill the dream of being together. we don't talk about any of that. i try to get her to at least think about us getting together in the hope that perhaps the desire for it will push her to start acting. we don't talk about any of that.
Friday, January 29, 2010
betcha thought i was dead, huh? or that my life had suddenly become everything i've always wanted and the bliss and happiness that pervades my days just completely eliminated the need to wail my self-pity from the middle of the street? or that maybe the overwhelming and inescapable truth of what i've been trying to tell her for so many years finally became unmistakeably clear to her and she came running to me with open arms?
yeah. not so much.
last time i was here was the end of october. she had told me that, beyond any shadow off a doubt, that there was absolutely no way in hell she would leave bf to be with me in the next 60 days.
so i had to hunker down and steel myself to continuing to be alone at least through the end of the year.
".. absolutely no way ..."
november was tough. very, very tough. by the end of november, i could feel the isolation starting to lighten and see faint glimpses of the future [we've] sought for so long.
and then there was december.
hitting the half-way point of the 60 days felt like cresting the hill and starting down the other side. i was looking forward to her opening up and starting to talk about the things we needed to do before being together.
except, it was december.
she was sick for several days. came in late or left early, or both, additional days. bf decided to have lunch with her, last minute, a couple times. she had an office party. her evening class got bumped up an hour at least once. between her being sick and the holidays, we didn't get a single 5 day week in december. i don't believe there was a single day that we got our "normal" amount of time together. every weekend was a 3-5 day weekend. with no contact. if in a regular month we have, say 60 hours that we can talk (beyond the 5 minute phone calls occasionally during the day) then I'd say in december we had -maybe- 30 hours.
ok, so becoming more hopeful during december clearly wasn't in the cards. but even so, i still knew that the no-way 60 day period was drawing to a close. surely, despite the dearth of time we had to spend with each other in december, surely january would bring a new year, a new decade and a new life. surely, we'd start talking about what concrete actions we needed to take, start planning the steps for getting from -here- to where we're supposed to be.
yeah. not so much.
to my delight, she asked, in early january, how much notice i needed to take a trip to see her. YAY! she's going to have me come see her! surely, SURELY this will be our beginning, no?
no. no trip. no beginning.
my job ends in march. i'll have been here for 13 months. i really, REALLY believed that this city was the one she'd finally join me in. i'd even discussed changing from contract to perm with my employer.
so, you might ask... how was the trip??? trip? what trip?
so, here we are. in 60-90 days i'll be gone from here. and she won't have been here. then again, she didn't join me in the last place i was at, in her state and only 180 miles away from her.
maybe in the next city, during the next contract. or the one after that.
so in the span of 3 months, my future has gone from "any day now" to "just 2 months" to "any day now" to ... "someday".
so, it's time to do what i've had to do five times since i've known her: find another job/contract, move to another city, try to arrange my schedule to coincide as best as possible with hers, find a new place to live. all without her. again. i really didn't think this would happen.
"the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal"
everyday that she doesn't mention anything about it still hurts. how could it not? on the other hand, i no longer "expect" it to be any day, or anytime soon, so the devastating disappointment doesn't fall on me every day.
so i sit and wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently). i listen for any hint that she's interested in getting together. i look for any sign that it's in her thoughts.
i don't know that i can do it again when i have to leave the next city without her.
yeah. not so much.
last time i was here was the end of october. she had told me that, beyond any shadow off a doubt, that there was absolutely no way in hell she would leave bf to be with me in the next 60 days.
so i had to hunker down and steel myself to continuing to be alone at least through the end of the year.
".. absolutely no way ..."
november was tough. very, very tough. by the end of november, i could feel the isolation starting to lighten and see faint glimpses of the future [we've] sought for so long.
and then there was december.
hitting the half-way point of the 60 days felt like cresting the hill and starting down the other side. i was looking forward to her opening up and starting to talk about the things we needed to do before being together.
except, it was december.
she was sick for several days. came in late or left early, or both, additional days. bf decided to have lunch with her, last minute, a couple times. she had an office party. her evening class got bumped up an hour at least once. between her being sick and the holidays, we didn't get a single 5 day week in december. i don't believe there was a single day that we got our "normal" amount of time together. every weekend was a 3-5 day weekend. with no contact. if in a regular month we have, say 60 hours that we can talk (beyond the 5 minute phone calls occasionally during the day) then I'd say in december we had -maybe- 30 hours.
ok, so becoming more hopeful during december clearly wasn't in the cards. but even so, i still knew that the no-way 60 day period was drawing to a close. surely, despite the dearth of time we had to spend with each other in december, surely january would bring a new year, a new decade and a new life. surely, we'd start talking about what concrete actions we needed to take, start planning the steps for getting from -here- to where we're supposed to be.
yeah. not so much.
to my delight, she asked, in early january, how much notice i needed to take a trip to see her. YAY! she's going to have me come see her! surely, SURELY this will be our beginning, no?
no. no trip. no beginning.
my job ends in march. i'll have been here for 13 months. i really, REALLY believed that this city was the one she'd finally join me in. i'd even discussed changing from contract to perm with my employer.
so, you might ask... how was the trip??? trip? what trip?
so, here we are. in 60-90 days i'll be gone from here. and she won't have been here. then again, she didn't join me in the last place i was at, in her state and only 180 miles away from her.
maybe in the next city, during the next contract. or the one after that.
so in the span of 3 months, my future has gone from "any day now" to "just 2 months" to "any day now" to ... "someday".
so, it's time to do what i've had to do five times since i've known her: find another job/contract, move to another city, try to arrange my schedule to coincide as best as possible with hers, find a new place to live. all without her. again. i really didn't think this would happen.
"the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal"
everyday that she doesn't mention anything about it still hurts. how could it not? on the other hand, i no longer "expect" it to be any day, or anytime soon, so the devastating disappointment doesn't fall on me every day.
so i sit and wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently). i listen for any hint that she's interested in getting together. i look for any sign that it's in her thoughts.
i don't know that i can do it again when i have to leave the next city without her.
Friday, October 30, 2009
gBoAoDd news
it's a simple fact of life. there's -always- bad news hidden in good news.
(tricky, huh?)
imagine sitting in the doctors office waiting to hear the results of your tests. anxiously, you wait. and wait. and wait. the doctor refuses to give you a straight answer, dancing around the issue. does he not actually -know- the diagnosis or is he trying to think of a way to soften the blow?
tick. tick. tick.
each second ticks by, each second feeling as long as a day or a week, each minute another month of wasted time from a limited amount of remaining time.
tick. tick. tick.
Please doctor! PLEASE! Just give it to me straight! What's the story?!?!?! I can handle it, no matter what it is, really! PLEASE tell me!
finally, an answer...
your life will not begin for at least 60 days. there is absolutely NO CHANCE of you gaining the life you want for at -least- 60 days. mind you, that doesn't mean that in 60 days you'll get the life you've been waiting for. it means that there is absolutely no chance that you'll get that life in less than 60 days.
for real?? six years ago it felt like it was gonna be any day now. and not only is it not any day now, but it's -at least- 60 days away?
yes.
doc, what do i do in the meantime?
whatever.
so, unless something exceptional happens in the next 48 hours (which is, unfortunately, the weekend and she's with someone else all weekend), we aren't going to be together this year or this -DECADE-.
fuck me
(tricky, huh?)
imagine sitting in the doctors office waiting to hear the results of your tests. anxiously, you wait. and wait. and wait. the doctor refuses to give you a straight answer, dancing around the issue. does he not actually -know- the diagnosis or is he trying to think of a way to soften the blow?
tick. tick. tick.
each second ticks by, each second feeling as long as a day or a week, each minute another month of wasted time from a limited amount of remaining time.
tick. tick. tick.
Please doctor! PLEASE! Just give it to me straight! What's the story?!?!?! I can handle it, no matter what it is, really! PLEASE tell me!
finally, an answer...
your life will not begin for at least 60 days. there is absolutely NO CHANCE of you gaining the life you want for at -least- 60 days. mind you, that doesn't mean that in 60 days you'll get the life you've been waiting for. it means that there is absolutely no chance that you'll get that life in less than 60 days.
for real?? six years ago it felt like it was gonna be any day now. and not only is it not any day now, but it's -at least- 60 days away?
yes.
doc, what do i do in the meantime?
whatever.
so, unless something exceptional happens in the next 48 hours (which is, unfortunately, the weekend and she's with someone else all weekend), we aren't going to be together this year or this -DECADE-.
fuck me
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
time lost
this is a tough week. two months ago, I'd picked this week as a very likely week when B would finally leave bf and be with me. sure, I've had -many- nice but imaginary dates picked in the >6 years I've been trying to get her, but this one was an actually possible, if not probable date, at least in light of what I thought the conditions were.
we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.
not so much.
in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).
she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.
because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.
so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.
it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.
i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?
call me stupid.
"you're STUPID!!!"
yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.
she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.
so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?
i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?
and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?
so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.
we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.
not so much.
in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).
she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.
because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.
so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.
it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.
i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?
call me stupid.
"you're STUPID!!!"
yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.
she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.
so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?
i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?
and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?
so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.
Monday, October 26, 2009
bingeing?
i've been on a bit of a binge lately.
no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.
when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.
and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.
for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.
i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.
whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.
it's not hurting anyone, is it?
no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.
when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.
and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.
for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.
i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.
whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.
it's not hurting anyone, is it?
reality gives a kick in the ass
yeah, like that's never happened before, right?
not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at theMedical Center Spa & Resort.
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at the
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
updates and downdates and whogivesafuck dates
put all the thoughts from the last few weeks into a blender, hit puree and this is the shit that falls out.
it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
pretty laughable ain't it? but notice how thoroughly it's laid out. there's both a 2 week between visit timeline and a 3 week timeline. the top is the list of dates and visits for both schedules. the bottom is a side by side with visits laid out through the end of the year. after all, 3-1/2 months of visits, which would have been either 8 or 6 visits, is WAY more than the 3 or 4 she said she thought it'd take for us to be together. the circled visits, #4 in both columns, was my best guess on when she'd actually leave bf to be with me. the visits in the boxes indicates the likely range of times, should visit #4 be too optimistic, when she would leave.
how thorough. how quaint. how fucking stupid. here it is -6- weeks since that first visit. this week should have been either visit 3 or visit 2. i even hoped that this visit would be THE ONE. "leave with me". yeah. the only one who's leaving with me is me. she'll be leaving, every night this week, next week, next month to go back to the life, the home and the relationship she doesn't want. leaving the life and the relationship she says she does want behind for another day.
so, back to reality. six weeks later. the week that i actually thought it -possible-, if not likely, that she'd leave bf and choose to start our life together. instead of leaving me and going back to bf. again. and again. i actually, truly, really believed that it could possibly have happened this week. the reality of it is that we have had NO visits since the first, nor are there any scheduled, planned, proposed or talked about.
i was cleaning out my calendar file over the weekend and ran across a couple of other interesting dates. from 16 days after i "broke up" with her: B gangbang, 5:30-10:00PM, video, webcam, 20+ guys. that was back in the day when bf still traveled. and then, one month and two days later, she called me at about 12:30 in the morning to talk. we talked for about 3 hours. she'd just left -him- after a night of fucking (back when bf traveled) and was waiting for bf to get back because they were going to go to a strip club. she wanted to know if i missed her. FUCK YES i missed her. that was almost -10- months ago. when we hung up the phone, i dared to hope that we'd be together within 6 months. ten months later, we're well past my initial hope and even past the timeframe that -she- laid out.
i'm afraid of those two dates coming up again, 12/11 & 1/13. i'm afraid that if we're not together by those dates, that she may finally say "what the hell did i give up fucking, swinging and gangbanging? for -this-? fuck that" and go back to her life.
and that'll be the end of the story for yours truly.
Friday, September 25, 2009
2,353
i know when my life started - july 23rd, 2003.
that was the first day that my baby and i talked. and we've spent literally thousands of hours talking since.
and then there were dates when i thought my life would begin.... the first was my birthday, 2008. that was our first target date for when we'd be together. shit happened. the next target was her birthday. more shit happened. then again it was my birthday, 2009. yet more shit.
so then the goal started being less grandiose and more down to earth - how about just -seeing- each other again? easy enough goal, right? first was a weekend in march this year. then memorial day. then the fourth. then her birthday.
YAY!!! we accomplished her birthday!!!!
other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the theatre?
her birthday this year was in fact a major event/milestone. it was supposed to have been the groundbreaking event that freshened us, realigned us, put us on the fast track to finally being together.
not so much.
what it did was apparently quite the opposite. for her, at least. having had that one visit, her appetite is sated. where originally she saw visits, once they started, occuring every 2 or 3 weeks and continuing through possibly 6 visits until we were finally together... now it would seem that that single visit last week was more than enough for her. i should have known beforehand, because earlier last week, her preferred visit frequency went from "every 2-3 weeks" to "4 weeks or so". and this week, there's not even any future visits in the works.
what we do know is that -us- won't happen this year. and it won't happen in the first three months of next year.
mother fucking g-d damn it, i hate being right.
for the last few weeks, i felt my time in hell was drawing to a close, that my sentence was going to be commuted.
instead, my appeal was rejected. the govenor turned down the appeal for pardon.
the death sentence stands.
there are very, very few people who know when they will die. death row convicts, suiciders and Blade Runner replicants are pretty much it. sure, as the last few seconds of your life tick by you know it's gonna end -soon-... but as far as advance notice? hardly anyone gets that.
20091231235958. elapsed time: 51 years, 9 months, 7 days. 1,633,910,400 seconds.
18,910. eighteen thousand nine hundred and ten days.
2,353. two thousand three hundred and fifty three days of knowing her. 6.44 years. i've known and loved her for 12% of my life. roughly two hundred and three million seconds of knowing her. 203,323,018. give or take.
of those 2,353 days, i was fortunate enough to spend somewhere around 60 hours in her physical presence. 60 hours out of the 56,472 hours that we knew each other. 1/10th of 1% of our time was actually spent -together-.
799. seven hundred and ninety nine days since the -first- time my actions tore us apart and demolished her heart. and our future.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days of knowing, loving, enjoying my baby. until the day i started destroying her and us.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days trying to woo her, to win her heart, to pull her away from the man and the life she said she didn't want.
97. ninety seven days remaining. that just struck me as pretty fucking funny... for weeks i've been POSITIVE that there were less than 100 days until we were together. looks like the 100 days was in fact a valid timeframe.... just not for the event that i thought it would be...
and then?
an infinite number of days just like the last eighteen thousand nine hundred: days of not having her, not being with her. but at least the pain will stop.
i wonder if she'll remember me? in two or five or twenty years, do you think she'll remember me? or our time, even though we didn't spend it together? if she does remember me or our time, will it be a good memory? a bad memory? or just some distant thing that happened in the past?
that was the first day that my baby and i talked. and we've spent literally thousands of hours talking since.
and then there were dates when i thought my life would begin.... the first was my birthday, 2008. that was our first target date for when we'd be together. shit happened. the next target was her birthday. more shit happened. then again it was my birthday, 2009. yet more shit.
so then the goal started being less grandiose and more down to earth - how about just -seeing- each other again? easy enough goal, right? first was a weekend in march this year. then memorial day. then the fourth. then her birthday.
YAY!!! we accomplished her birthday!!!!
other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the theatre?
her birthday this year was in fact a major event/milestone. it was supposed to have been the groundbreaking event that freshened us, realigned us, put us on the fast track to finally being together.
not so much.
what it did was apparently quite the opposite. for her, at least. having had that one visit, her appetite is sated. where originally she saw visits, once they started, occuring every 2 or 3 weeks and continuing through possibly 6 visits until we were finally together... now it would seem that that single visit last week was more than enough for her. i should have known beforehand, because earlier last week, her preferred visit frequency went from "every 2-3 weeks" to "4 weeks or so". and this week, there's not even any future visits in the works.
what we do know is that -us- won't happen this year. and it won't happen in the first three months of next year.
mother fucking g-d damn it, i hate being right.
for the last few weeks, i felt my time in hell was drawing to a close, that my sentence was going to be commuted.
instead, my appeal was rejected. the govenor turned down the appeal for pardon.
the death sentence stands.
there are very, very few people who know when they will die. death row convicts, suiciders and Blade Runner replicants are pretty much it. sure, as the last few seconds of your life tick by you know it's gonna end -soon-... but as far as advance notice? hardly anyone gets that.
20091231235958. elapsed time: 51 years, 9 months, 7 days. 1,633,910,400 seconds.
18,910. eighteen thousand nine hundred and ten days.
2,353. two thousand three hundred and fifty three days of knowing her. 6.44 years. i've known and loved her for 12% of my life. roughly two hundred and three million seconds of knowing her. 203,323,018. give or take.
of those 2,353 days, i was fortunate enough to spend somewhere around 60 hours in her physical presence. 60 hours out of the 56,472 hours that we knew each other. 1/10th of 1% of our time was actually spent -together-.
799. seven hundred and ninety nine days since the -first- time my actions tore us apart and demolished her heart. and our future.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days of knowing, loving, enjoying my baby. until the day i started destroying her and us.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days trying to woo her, to win her heart, to pull her away from the man and the life she said she didn't want.
97. ninety seven days remaining. that just struck me as pretty fucking funny... for weeks i've been POSITIVE that there were less than 100 days until we were together. looks like the 100 days was in fact a valid timeframe.... just not for the event that i thought it would be...
and then?
an infinite number of days just like the last eighteen thousand nine hundred: days of not having her, not being with her. but at least the pain will stop.
i wonder if she'll remember me? in two or five or twenty years, do you think she'll remember me? or our time, even though we didn't spend it together? if she does remember me or our time, will it be a good memory? a bad memory? or just some distant thing that happened in the past?
how to tell when things haven't gone according to plan
can't see the forest for the trees
now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.
so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.
when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.
when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.
the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.
instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).
when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....
things haven't gone according to plan
now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.
so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.
when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.
when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.
the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.
instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).
when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....
things haven't gone according to plan
time
i am notoriously pessimistic. except when it comes to her.
we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.
i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.
yeah. i know.
no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.
the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.
she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.
in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.
a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.
no so any more.
she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.
and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.
so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.
which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.
which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.
so.
we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".
what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?
so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.
repeat as not necessary.
we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.
i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.
yeah. i know.
no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.
the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.
she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.
in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.
a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.
no so any more.
she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.
and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.
so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.
which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.
which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.
so.
we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".
what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?
so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.
repeat as not necessary.
Friday, September 18, 2009
what i didn't do on my summer vacation
admittedly, there were many things i -hoped- i'd get to do on my vacation.
i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.
then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.
there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.
we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.
remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.
what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.
she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.
i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...
and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.
and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.
maybe next time.
i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.
then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.
there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.
we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.
remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.
what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.
she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.
i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...
and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.
and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.
maybe next time.
expectations
how is it that we let our expectations get so completely out of hand? and i mean out of hand to the point that there's no fucking way that expectation could possibly fit into the real world around us.
i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.
surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.
no so much.
but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.
anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...
i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.
surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.
no so much.
but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.
anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
things you wish you'd never heard
there are things that you just wish you'd NEVER heard.... a gazillion years ago, bill cosby had a classic thing you don't want to hear: your surgeon saying "scalpel". "retractor". "suction". "oops".
or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."
or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".
or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".
that's not a good thing.
or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."
or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".
or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".
that's not a good thing.
i was a royal horse's ass to her today. oh, and red buttons.
well then. all you faithful readers, of which there are none, are probably just dying for an update.
if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.
uh, no.
i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.
so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?
i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.
at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.
PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.
and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.
yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.
panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.
but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.
inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.
her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.
ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.
to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.
i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.
but it all came out anyway.
i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.
a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.
logic doesn't apply.
example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."
no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?
see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.
but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.
so?
push. (no food)
push. (no food)
push. (still no food)
push. (no food)
push. push. push. push.
what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?
since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.
the red buttons are on order.
if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.
uh, no.
i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.
so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?
i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.
at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.
PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.
and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.
yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.
panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.
but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.
inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.
her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.
ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.
to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.
i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.
but it all came out anyway.
i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.
a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.
logic doesn't apply.
example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."
no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?
see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.
but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.
so?
push. (no food)
push. (no food)
push. (still no food)
push. (no food)
push. push. push. push.
what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?
since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.
the red buttons are on order.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
whoa! reality check
you know, for someone who's such a pessimist, such a "glass half empty" kinda guy, I sure am awful optimistic when it comes to her...
since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...
the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.
she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.
so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.
that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!
WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.
whoa! time for a reality check.
she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.
and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".
what? wtf?
so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.
"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.
a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...
since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...
the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.
she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.
so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.
that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!
WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.
whoa! time for a reality check.
she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.
and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".
what? wtf?
so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.
"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.
a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...
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