some things are so difficult for me to follow...
my baby tells me that she hopes we could skype last night, because it's been awhile since she's seen me (and me her). i always hope we can skype, because i seldom get to see her. i say "i'll send you pictures whenever you want". "it's not the same."
yeah, i know.
somehow, whoever the spooks are who take such delight in disrupting our communications (you can scoff here, but NO ONE has ever had so many problems with phones, calling cards, email, chat and skype), they must have been off duty yesterday or snoozing in the corner, because, against all odds, our skype video chat WORKED!
IT WORKED!!!
there's a sense of, i dunno, immediate relief when the connection completes, the picture starts to form.. and there they are... for her, me... for me, her.... it's a palpable relief, a long-awaited "finally!"...
she felt it... expressed it... "there's my baby"... big smile.... i too had the same reaction..."finally, my baby, there she is"....
she had a nice clear pic... (not that i understand why anyone would want a nice clear view of me!).. smiled big... i had the same kind of quality pic.. good video, little "stuttering", no frame freezing, good audio... and the same best picture that i usually get.. her, silhoutted by light from windows behind her... her entire face cast in shadow with an occasional almost-kinda-see-you-a-little when she'd move side to side or turn her head.... she could see a 3" figurine on the top of a 6' foot bookshelf behind me, she could see me clearly.... i could make out things on the counter 15' behind her.... and nothing other than a dark silhouette where she sat.
it's been this way for some time. she knows i can barely ever see her. i've asked her to please, please put a lamp or something near her so there's some light on her face so i can actually see her... or to use the laptop and sit at the counter (she did that once before and i had a crystal clear view of her)... but, she says, there's already a light overhead in the armoire where the desktop is... and it's too much hassle to get the laptop out, set it up, then have to hurriedly put it away when bf comes home....
i asked her if she could see me okay; very well, she said... can you see me? she asks... in an admittedly smart ass voice i said "i can see your silhouette as well as ever, but i can't see you". hey, it hurts, you know? hurts that it's important for her to see me, that she KNOWS how desperately i want to see her, but my not being able to is not really a problem... after all, i don't deserve it yet...
she turned off her video.
i guess it don't get much clearer than that, does it? this is what you get, this is all you deserve; if that's not good enough for you, fine. have nothing.
i'm not sure what shocks and hurts me the most... that i still don't deserve to see her face? that she knows how important it is to me to see her but she won't do anything to facilitate that? that because i was unhappy with the non-picture of her she punished me more by turning off her video completely? or that after 15 months she still can't have me anywhere near her?
maybe it doesn't matter, honestly. she can do whatever she wants, as much or as little as she wants in terms of "giving" to me... and i'll take it.
it does shock me that she's so angry when i'm not happy with the miniscule parts of her that she doles out to me... she's so angry with me... i don't know if it's really "new" anger about the whatever-it-is-that-just-happened or if it's left over pain/anger/rage from so long ago....
probably doesn't matter.. the end result is the same...
she stays with bf.
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