it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
pretty laughable ain't it? but notice how thoroughly it's laid out. there's both a 2 week between visit timeline and a 3 week timeline. the top is the list of dates and visits for both schedules. the bottom is a side by side with visits laid out through the end of the year. after all, 3-1/2 months of visits, which would have been either 8 or 6 visits, is WAY more than the 3 or 4 she said she thought it'd take for us to be together. the circled visits, #4 in both columns, was my best guess on when she'd actually leave bf to be with me. the visits in the boxes indicates the likely range of times, should visit #4 be too optimistic, when she would leave.
how thorough. how quaint. how fucking stupid. here it is -6- weeks since that first visit. this week should have been either visit 3 or visit 2. i even hoped that this visit would be THE ONE. "leave with me". yeah. the only one who's leaving with me is me. she'll be leaving, every night this week, next week, next month to go back to the life, the home and the relationship she doesn't want. leaving the life and the relationship she says she does want behind for another day.
so, back to reality. six weeks later. the week that i actually thought it -possible-, if not likely, that she'd leave bf and choose to start our life together. instead of leaving me and going back to bf. again. and again. i actually, truly, really believed that it could possibly have happened this week. the reality of it is that we have had NO visits since the first, nor are there any scheduled, planned, proposed or talked about.
i was cleaning out my calendar file over the weekend and ran across a couple of other interesting dates. from 16 days after i "broke up" with her: B gangbang, 5:30-10:00PM, video, webcam, 20+ guys. that was back in the day when bf still traveled. and then, one month and two days later, she called me at about 12:30 in the morning to talk. we talked for about 3 hours. she'd just left -him- after a night of fucking (back when bf traveled) and was waiting for bf to get back because they were going to go to a strip club. she wanted to know if i missed her. FUCK YES i missed her. that was almost -10- months ago. when we hung up the phone, i dared to hope that we'd be together within 6 months. ten months later, we're well past my initial hope and even past the timeframe that -she- laid out.
i'm afraid of those two dates coming up again, 12/11 & 1/13. i'm afraid that if we're not together by those dates, that she may finally say "what the hell did i give up fucking, swinging and gangbanging? for -this-? fuck that" and go back to her life.
and that'll be the end of the story for yours truly.
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