expectations

how is it that we let our expectations get so completely out of hand? and i mean out of hand to the point that there's no fucking way that expectation could possibly fit into the real world around us.

i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.

surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.

no so much.

but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.

anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...