my baby called me today. we skyped and i got to see her. might seem like no big deal to you, but it is to me.. i haven't seen her face in probably... 8 weeks? maybe more?
she's trying hard to work her way back to trusting me enough to be together.
she's finding it's not an easy thing to do.
all throughout this period, i've gone on the ?theory? that by making little steps, you become accustomed to them, they then no longer seem like a big deal and then you can progress on from there, a little at a time, until you're comfortable, then push a little more, until finally you wind up where you want to be. she agrees with this approach.
i've had a number of my own "milestone" dates that have come and go that i thought would be milestones for us as well... last Fourth, her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas/new years, her anniversary (shortly), my birthday (soon) and then one other before our anniversary in late july.
there's a fairly significant (in my life) family type event taking place in the next three months. my baby and i have talked for years about this event and we'd pretty much taken it for granted that she'd be attending it with me.. .meaning she'd have left bf and we'd be together.
even today i hope for that, despite her basically telling me the other day why she -shouldn't- be there. as much as i hated what that meant for -us- i could see merit in her case. whether her decision was based on those considerations or a convenient cover for why we wouldn't be together by then doesn't really matter; the end result is the same.
anyway, i digress.
i may be using the terms incorrectly, but right now? tough shit. deal with it. there's a classic experiment involving a frog and a beaker of hot water, the point of which is to illustrate "acclimatization" or "growing accustomed" or the effect of small gradual change vs large sudden change. in the experiment, it's observed that if you put a frog into a beaker of hot water, it will thrash and jump and do everything to get the hell out of the hot water. the frog has been subjected to a large sudden change and is not adapting to it at all, attempting to escape the change completely.
wait, we're not done.
the other half of the experiment involves placing the frog into a beaker of room temperature water and then slowly heating the water to boiling. when the frog is initially placed into the beaker of water it may notice some change ("croak, hmmm, this waters' a little warmer the air, but at least i'm in water now, croak"). as the water is slowly heated, the frog doesn't really pay much attention; after all, the change in temperature is tiny and slow. ("croak, mmm, this water feels nice and comfy right now, croak").
continuing to SLOWLY heat the water to the point where the frog -dies- produces little more reaction from the frog. why? because the change in temperature, even though ultimately a "not good" thing for the frog, is so gradual that it's overlooked. the frog becomes accustomed to it's current situation, which doesn't seem like a bad thing. small change, small change, small change until finally, by taking a larger view, we see that in fact there's been a HUGE change from the beginning.. much to the dismay of the experimental frog (now referred to as frog soup ;-) ).
now at this point you may be asking yourself "self? what the fuck does this have to do with anything?" or possibly "man, i really need to get a life and stop reading this shit". either way, i'm gonna press on.
(suspenseful music slowly building to a powerful climax.....)
so, what's the point? really, there is one...
there've been several times where i've tried to apply the above concept of small changes to my baby and our relationship; she's even suggested it. last july, i suggested that rather than her thinking that doing things for me (like pics, explicit pics, writings, all the little things she normally does for the men in her life) that she think of us not as two people trying to get back together, during which period she's forcing herself to do things for me that she doesn't think i deserve, that instead she think of us as a couple already together who are temporarily separated by my job and that if she could take on that mindset, that the things she'd normally do for another wouldn't feel so wrong or oppressive or undeserved by me. she agreed. in fact, she thought is was a very good idea and that it made a lot of sense. she did warn me though, that "the walls won't just crumble and everything come rushing out". i knew that, i told her, and i didn't expect that to happen.
it's now late february of the following year; about seven months later. i'm not sure, but i think she might be starting to come around.
today we video-skyped.. :-D (the very fact that i was allowed to see her is significant and was completely unexpected). during the course of the call, i asked her to look at her video preview of herself and to see just exactly what i saw - which was her from about mid throat up, occasionally i'd see a shoulder, at least enough to know that she was wearing something.
i thought about the frog and the accumulative effect of small, painless changes.
so i said to her... baby, do you see what i can see of you? do you see that i can only see you from the neck up?
"yes", she said.
"why don't you unzip your hoodie and flash me your tits, even though I can't see them?" i figured that was a pretty ?painless? action - even though it involved her baring her tits (which she'll do for just about anybody) there was no way that i could see them.. so even though i didn't "deserve" it, it was very ?low cost? to her, in terms of what she'd be "giving" me.
so picture this... she's in her family room, sitting on a chair pulled up to the computer armoire. she's facing AWAY from the next door neighbor's yard where the neighbors' kids are playing, probably a minimum of 60', maybe 75' -behind- her. she's inside her house. if you'd been standing at her patio door, looking in, you -might- have seen her move, but you'd only have seen her unzip her hoodie, pull it open then zip it up again. frankly, unless you were standing very close and just off to one side of her, you'd have never thought twice about it.. it would've looked like she was just opening her jacket for a sec to cool off or something.
apparently, instead of slowing heating the water, i'd turned on the flamethrower/microwaver/blowtorch underneath the beaker of water. her immediate reaction was "no".
her reason? the neighbor kids were playing in the yard. she's always very cognizant of youngsters around, especially when she's being sexual. i'm sure the 30+ guy gangbangs at her house were all done after the neighbor kids were asleep.
she wouldn't open her jacket while facing the armoire, even though i'd see nothing of it, because the neighbor kids were in their yard, probably 75' -behind- her.
does anyone have -any- doubts of what she thinks i deserve?
no, me either.
she won't be attending my "significant event", but that's because she doesn't feel it'd be proper. oh, and because we won't be together then.
sometime last year i'd asked her if she thought we'd be together by our 7th anniversary, this coming july. "absolutely" was her answer.
i'm hoping she'll let me come visit her, see her, be in the same room with her - for our anniversary, for her birthday in september or by new year's.
i'm hopeful.
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