time

i am notoriously pessimistic. except when it comes to her.

we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.

i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.

yeah. i know.

no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.

the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.

she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.

in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.

a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.

no so any more.

she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.

and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.

so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.

which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.

which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.

so.

we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".

what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?

so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.

repeat as not necessary.