not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at the
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
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