i was a royal horse's ass to her today. oh, and red buttons.

well then. all you faithful readers, of which there are none, are probably just dying for an update.

if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.

uh, no.

i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.

so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?

i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.

at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.

PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.

and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.

yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.

panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.

but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.

inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.

her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.

ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.

to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.

i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.

but it all came out anyway.

i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.

a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.

logic doesn't apply.

example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."

no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?

see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.

but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.

so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.

so?

push. (no food)

push. (no food)

push. (still no food)

push. (no food)

push. push. push. push.

what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?

since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.

the red buttons are on order.