another milestone quietly passes

earlier this week an important (to me) milestone passed... with little or no fanfare.

it was a marker in time in two ways...

the first was as her anniversary. the two year mark in a marriage she shouldn't have gotten into, wouldn't have gotten into, had i not fucked up.

the second marker was for me... since january (09), i've been anxiously waiting and hoping that she'd be able to forgive me enough to want to be together. starting from the disasterous september visit, then rolling right into the "holiday blackout" and then her out and out telling me "no way for at least 60 days" (that was about 140 days ago) and then, finally coming out of the blackout we roll right up against her anniversary.. and of course there's no way she would have left before then... it would have hurt his feelings.

but now that day has passed. with little fanfare. i sent her cards and wished her happy anniversary...

in my mind, once her anniversary was past, there should be no other artificial impediments to us getting together (other than her still being nauseated by my presence). my birthday, in a month, might present some obstacle to her, because we had targeted my birthday as the date we'd be together... two years ago.

as much as i've thought about all that's going on, i never really believed that as soon as her anniversary passed that she'd be talking about getting together. really, not even in my heart of hearts.

doesn't mean i don't wish for it though.

so... is the passing of her anniversary a good thing or a bad thing? well, it can't be a bad thing, other than the fact that she's celebrating two years of marriage (and 17 years of being together) with a man she's not in love with instead of with me.

is it a good thing? dunno. i'm not sure that in and of itself it has any inherent "goodness" or "badness". it just is.

one thing it does signify though.... since there are now -no- "bad karma" dates or other dates that would hurt bf's feelings for several months (probably the Fourth is the next one... her famous (fuck) party)... then the ONLY reason we're not together is that she doesn't want to be.

yep.. every day that passes is another reminder that i hurt her so badly that she can't even consider being with me.. still... after all this time.