what do all these things have in common?
they are all absolute harbingers of the events to immediately follow....
from dictionary.com:
har-bin-ger [hahr-bin-jer]we -know- Phil is gonna see or not see his shadow and we're all going to then turn away feeling a little foolish for having gone to a freakin' groundhog for meteorological advice.. we -know- that the coin is gonna come down and someone will get possession of the ball.... we -know- the light is gonna turn red and we're gonna have to stop... we -know- they're about to shock the shit out of us and well, this is it or not...
–noun
2. anything that foreshadows a future event; omen; sign: Frost is a harbinger of winter.
Synonyms:
2. herald, forerunner, precursor, portent, indication.
i have a particular future in mind, one that i've been waiting for, trying to make happen (and sabotaging my own efforts in the meantime) for a long, long time... a future with my baby, B.
i keep looking for a -sign- that we're moving closer to that future.. i keep looking... despite my lack of spotting any, i try to keep this in mind.. "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". makes sense. just because i can't find any indications that there is intelligent life in the universe is certainly not proof that there isn't...
so i have part of the equation... i know what will happen -if/when- something else, the harbinger, happens.. the only problem is... i have no ide what that might be... in kind of a backwards approach, i can see the negative corrollaries... if x doesn't happen, that future won't happen... if y doesn't happen, that future won't happen..
ok, so i don't have a harbinger. i can imagine what some examples of that might be... she leaves bf... she tells me to come see her and she gives herself to me... she says quit and move here to be with me... all those will pretty much be a damn solid indication of things to come...
what i do have are things that, without them happening, the desired future -is not- about to happen... the killer is that these are such "small" things in the ordinary world... but they're HUGE in this relationship..
my baby has a handful of pictures of her that i've asked for for years.. and no, they're not sex pix... most of them are about as innocent and non-privacy-invasive as you could imagine.... there's one of her in a pink t-shirt, wearing a ball cap with a pony tail.... a pic of her in a bikini... a pic of her in her wedding dress.... a pic of her wearing any of several tops i've bought for her... and one that, okay, is a -little- personal... I recently made and sent her something of significant meaning to her and I, and it's something that is publicly viewable, so it's not like panties or anything... i've been waiting for these pics for between 4 years and 2 weeks. she's fucked strangers in bars but won't let me see her in a ponytail.
is the picture thing a huge deal? maybe not. should it be? no, i can't imagine why it should. what i do know is that until she can let herself do something so... ?normal?innocent? nothing else will happen. strangers see her everyday. she has no problem with that. i'm hopefully a little more important to her than the strangers at the supermarket or that she jogs past while wearing a cap and a ponytail, but i'm not allowed to see such ordinary, everyday images of her. she -knows- how that makes me feel.
allowing my to see those pictures is not a harbinger of us getting together; many, many other things need to happen. but i do know that -until- i've earned the right to see them, until she decides that i'm allowed, that future isn't happening.
another "anti-harbinger" is visits to see her. in 15 months, i've seen her on one occasion and that visit didn't go so well. it's hard to imagine, all things considered, that she'd go from where we are now, IE having not seen each other since for-fucking-ever, to leaving hubby and starting a life with me, without at least -some- visits in between. -i- could; i could and would pick up today and move to be with her, move in together -tonight-, no hesitation. she can't even consider a possible date for another visit.
another "anti-harbinger".... talking to me about her plans. for her and i to be together, she has to get her things (finances, etc) lined up before leaving her husband. this requires planning, talking to an attorney, talking about tentative dates, talking about how we'll get together, what it will be like, talking about how we'll finally fulfill the dream of being together. we don't talk about any of that. i try to get her to at least think about us getting together in the hope that perhaps the desire for it will push her to start acting. we don't talk about any of that.
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