time lost

this is a tough week. two months ago, I'd picked this week as a very likely week when B would finally leave bf and be with me. sure, I've had -many- nice but imaginary dates picked in the >6 years I've been trying to get her, but this one was an actually possible, if not probable date, at least in light of what I thought the conditions were.

we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.

not so much.

in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).

she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.

because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.

so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.

it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.

i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?

call me stupid.

"you're STUPID!!!"

yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.

she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.

so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?

i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?

and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?

so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.