bingeing?

i've been on a bit of a binge lately.

no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.

when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.

and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.

for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.

i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.

whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.

it's not hurting anyone, is it?