all things being equal...

all things being equal, i lose.

even with a 10, 15, or even a 25% advantage in my favor, i lose. and i have no such advantage.

i can't overcome his homefield advantage. can't overcome their history. and never will be able to, because every day i know her, their history continues to grow. that alone guarantees i won't win. can't win. she can't overcome their history, so how can i? the things that i (may or may not) offer her are intangible, guessed at, she's unsure even exactly what they are or what they mean or how much or if she wants them.

but there's no opportunity for fairness, because she won't meet me. won't let us get together, say hi, touch, talk, maybe even kiss. see what we'd be like in person. how or if we'd connect, mesh, feel good together. how can you say "no" when you don't know?

so he gets 8 years of history, the majority of her day, all of her weekends, and a million opportunities to show her not only love but friendship. i don't.

so with the only things i have to offer that could even the scales, possibly even tilt them in my favor not allowed, there's no way i can overcome her objections and feelings based on their history, their day to day life. the prospect of being the lover she wants, the friend she wants are the only things that could possibly help me overcome the financial advantages she has with him. but i don't get the chance.

it's so unfair that she's deciding if their life together is what she wants when she doesn't know and won't look at any other models of what a couple could be together.

she won't take even a single glance at what we might be like, together. the possibility of what we could be like, together.

why? if it was good, wouldn't she want to know that? and if she was afraid it'd be bad, wouldn't ya want that confirmed?

maybe she doesn't want to ruin the fantasy.

maybe some things are better kept as a fantasy.

my fantasy is to be her reality.

my reality is... -he- is her reality. at best, i'm a fantasy.