wandering. rambling.

i don't know where i am anymore.

at the same time, in the same instant, i can be completely and totally wrapped up in her, positive beyond any doubt that we will, eventually, wind up together - and also be accutely aware that it's much more likely that i'll never see her, that she'll never be comfortable enough with me to want to open her life to me.

i can feel overwhelmingly distraught, hopeless and bleak knowing that there's no hope she'll ever leave him, no hope of ever having her in my arms. it's the same black despair that's always been in my heart when i think those terrible thoughts. it used to be that anytime those thoughts, those realizations, came to me i would immediately lose it. my eyes would fill with tears, the black hole would materialize in my chest and i would be unable to function, unable to be around anyone, almost unable to breathe. i spent a lot of time in the bathroom or walking alone outside or sitting in my car.

but now it's different, slightly. i still know those horrible truths, still get the enormous black weight in my chest. i'm still unable to function. but the flood of tears doesn't run as easily. the agony of my loss, of my not-having is just a ...numbness. that scares me. i don't want to get used to it, or accept it. losing her (even though i never had her) is not something to "get over". ever. it's the hugest, most significant, most life changing loss that anyone could ever experience. getting used