the roller coaster, again

i swear, i'm like a freakin' roller coaster, emotionally.

there's a black hole of despair about a thousand miles across that's situated right about the middle of my chest. much of the time it's hidden beneath a thin veneer of the daily "me" face. but just a few seconds of considering how fragile this relationship with B is, how completely powerless i am to affect it, to make it swing in my (our) favor and the veneer melts away and i can feel my entire being getting sucked into it, swirling further and further down into the abyss of nothingness.

yet everyday i wake up and i'm hopeful. hopeful that she's coming back to me. hopeful that she had a good evening in their home, a good night in their bed. hopeful that (g-d forgive me) she's decided she's not happy with him and is ready to leave him. hopeful that today is the day she tells me she wants to see me, wants to be with me.

and all around the edges of my consciousness is a grey cloud that is the knowledge that, unless she's already decided, she's evaluating her life, trying to figure out where she wants to be, what she wants to do with her love life. along with knowing she's doing that is the knowledge that the odds are much more in his favor than mine, the knowledge that with every passing day the day that she tells me what she's decided gets closer and closer. and while i have supreme hope that there's a chance, however tiny a chance, that she'll want me, i gird myself for the time i have to hear the words "i've decided - i'm staying".

no one ever knows when their life ends because consciousness goes at the same time. if/when she says those words to me, -that- will be the time of the death of my hope.

and right now i wait for her call.