hidden messages

sometimes when we talk, i get the feeling that -maybe- she's trying to tell me something, to hint at something, without acknowledging it. almost like she wants me to listen behind the words and catch the subtle message she's trying to give me.

sometimes when i do that, when i think i've heard and understood the words behind the words, i get smacked in the face with the opposite, like i just completely imagined a message behind the message, and in fact i was completely off base. not only wrong, but hallucinating.

and yesterday when we talked, it was one of those times when i pushed her; for answers, for reasons, for information, for hope. sometimes i can't help it, the need to know just grows in me until i can't contain it.

i have to know. have to. i beg her to please tell me what it is about him and about their life that has such a hold on her. i beg her to tell me what he gives her that i can't give her, what traits he has that i don't, what it is that makes her choose, everyday, him over me. i need to know - both so i understand why my life isn't/won't be what it could and should be, and so perhaps i can make changes in myself. not that i think to do so will win her, because by the time she tells me, if she ever does, her decision will have been made, and i'll already have lost her. if i haven't already.

she says she's "already [t]here, [they] have history". while i agree that this -can- be a weighty factor, not when it's up against her being so unhappy there. and every day she stays is more history they have together, so does every day that passes mean less and less chance that she'll leave? that she'll stay simply because she was there the day before?

why doesn't want, love, desire and happiness factor in?

at the heart of it.. if i'm right and she really does want to be with me, then i have to believe that she's simply scared to break it off with him. scared of the conflict, of causing him pain, of having to explain to family and friends why, of changing her life, even if it's what she wants. scared of losing the financial security she has now. scared that it might not work out if she did change. yet she'll stay with the almost certain knowledge that the relationship she's in won't work in the long term. but she's scared to change. even for a better chance at being happy.