hopeful. hopeless.

last year was tough. really tough. too many life changes. divorce. job change. city change.

this year could very well turn out to be tougher by far. actually, it will either be the hardest ever or the best so far. this year i'll either lose her and have to start on my way into a future without her. or get her love and begin to live and love and grow with her.

last year i was sure i lost B for good.

after thanksgiving she told me she was going to really evaluate her life and whether the relationship she's in is what she can live with for the rest of her life. that gave me hope, because in her heart, i don't think she's happy there. i think she stays because it's easier than hurting him, easier than leaving. she mentioned three months, not counting december, but emphasised that that was not a hard and fast rule, not at all.

and so we approach that time frame. at this point probably more my timeframe than hers, but approaching nonetheless. and the hope of -my- future being -our- future dwindles. i told her that if things mellowed a little at home that she'd get used to that state of affairs and that it would seem less onerous. acclimatization. it's like that old experiment with frogs. drop a frog into a beaker of boiling water and they'll go crazy trying to get out. but put a frog into a beaker of not hot water but put a flame under it, and the frog will stay until it's dead. acclimatization. getting used to conditions that slowly deteriorate. and that's what's happening. she told me that she's getting used to things. she's thinking that maybe it's -her- that's wrong, not the situation.

it's just as i feared.

she's choosing her future. and mine. for herself, she'll either have what she has now, or what she could have with me, or anything else she wants. whatever her choice, she gets what she wants. she can see that future, has a choice of futures and by simply making a decision, she'll have it. for me, i either get the future i want, with her, or i have nothing. there's no alternate future that i envision that i might choose instead. unlike her, i know the future i want (although i believe she does know). period. if that doesn't come to pass, then i lose. everything. i'll have to somehow press on from a position of nothing into a future that i don't want and that has nothing i want.

i can't help but feel that her decision won't be "pure". it won't be purely based on what she wants for her life. there are several other factors that she places ahead of what she wants in importance and i'm afraid those will force her away from doing what she wants. she doesn't want to hurt him, because they have history. she doesn't want to leave one relationship for another. she doesn't want to face her family and his and their friends and having to explain why. she financially very comfortable and knows that with him she'll always be better off than alone or with me. she's afraid she might leave, go to me (or someone else) and it not work out.

i thought when you were young was when you were supposed to value love and happiness over money and all else.

every day that passes without her growing more restless, every day that passes that finds her more defensive of him, more settled in to that life, more accepting of the sensuality that she's given up, more accepting of the hate she has for their physicality, more innured to his constant suspicions and comments brings us that much closer to -that- day. the day she decides she doesn't deserve what she wants, that the stilted love and life that she has is better than hurting him, the day she tells me goodbye.

there's still a chance for us, i suppose. at least, she hasn't said no to that possibility yet.

how do i keep hope? and should i? and how do i prevent my despair, the foreshadowing of that dreaded future without her that's with me in my most private moments, how do i prevent that from turning me into someone she can't stand, doesn't like, so that even as she's making her decision i become less and less desireable, in turn giving her more reason to stay?