Time apart

Four days (of six). Valentine's Day. Two days to go.

It's been four and a half days since the last time B and I talked. before she went away for the weekend. and a business trip. and valentine's day.

i had a feeling she'd call (that is, want to, have a chance to, and actually do it) over the weekend. and i had a really strong feeling that she was gonna call yesterday. i'm not feeling so sure that she'll want, try or make the opportunity to call over the next two days.

i went away to see a friend over the weekend. it was wierd - all weekend i kept the phone close at hand because i was sure she was gonna call. sure. i could just feel it.

same thing yesterday - valentine's day. i kick myself now for allowing myself to fall into the trap of it. it's no big deal to her. it is to me though. but then, to me it's a romantic day to spend with your honey, and to disclose your love and feelings for someone special (not that i usually hold off any other day). to her it's an overhyped fake holiday. a day when her partner is probably gonna want to take her out then expect sex. and a day when she can pretty much be assured of getting (unwanted?) much too much in the way of affection and emotion from me.

i'd sent her some things for her to open on friday. little things, cards, etc, that i was hoping we could use as our ?private?special? v-day celebration. but of course things never work out like you plan (as evidenced by her still being there and me being here) and she ran out of time on friday. so instead of her heading into the long, long weekend with a (hopefully) warm glow and some (admittedly) trinkets for V-day, all of that became a source of stress. so instead we blew off the package and tried to give her time to just chill before leaving the office. another good idea (well, to me anyway) spoiled by my procrastination. oh, and her having a lover she won't leave.

i had it in my head that because of the day and being away and whatever, that she'd make a special effort to call yesterday. or to at least touch base somehow.

anyway.

my natural instinct is to think that she didn't because she didn't want to send me a message of any sort, because it might make me think she's more likely to meet me or want to leave him or whatever. or to think that she specifically didn't make contact because she isn't -that- to me, she's that to -him-. although truth be told (and i'm not sure this makes it any better), it probably just never occurred to her to call. she's at a conference, he's with her, she's out of the office. it's possible that the next time she thinks of me will be when she sees something in her office that says "oh, him".

so now what do i do? there's at least 48 hours till she's back in the office.

a long time to brood, feel alone, continue to feel that i've lost the love of my life, that she's settling into her life with him again, that she might not even come back.

but hopefully i'll have her for an hour or two before the weekend. before she goes away, back to him & their life.

again.