Afterwards, we talked for about an hour. It was a wonderful talk - we talked about so many things - things important and things trivial. We discussed several topics that I'd consider "about us", which was a little surprising because usually B doesn't like to talk about, or at least not at length, things about "us". She says talking about us and our relationship is not what got us where we are - just talking did. Of course she's right.
But it wasn't just what we talked about - it was the how of our talk, the tone and flavor of it. It was so warm, so intimate, so close. It was as close and intimate as many of our other previous talks. We were both "there" and in the moment. There was nothing else but us. Yes, we talked about her and bf and such and about "us", but still, the feeling of the talk, the connection was there and it was just like old times. It was just like how we know we can be with each other.
She was very "talkie" too, unusual for her. It surprised me, especially after our brief morning call and how detached and unconnected she felt then. But when I think about it, it shouldn't have been so surprising that she was pulled back. Last week wasn't one of our better weeks. On Friday, we barely IM'd at all and only got to talk for a short time. Then there was the weekend. Even when we were in better times, I could always sense, on Monday mornings, that she'd pulled back some. Isn't it strange how differently people react? She pulled back because we were seperated for the weekend, and I was always chomping at the bit, waiting anxiously for her to call, and wanting to push us back to closeness as soon as possible.
Anyway, our afternoon talk was great. She was talkative, but even better, she was talkative about important things - her feelings, her homelife and those issues, about our relationship, about being friends. She doesn't do it often, but when she does open up, whoever is fortunate enough to be with her gets to see the real her, the warm, caring, intimate her. Not that she's cold normally, but when she opens up and lets you in it's very special.
I didn't realize it until just as we were hanging up (I'm a guy, after all!) but she needed to talk. And she chose me to talk to. She doesn't often feel the need to talk to anyone about deeply personal issues. Even when she does, she often keeps it inside anyway. Yet she chose me. Just as I would (and do) choose her. It's an indescribeably great feeling to be that important to someone, especially to be that important to someone who's equally as important to you. A while back she needed to talk. We talked. But I did something that kinda soured the whole conversation. Instead of responding to her and what she wanted to talk about, I turned it into something else, centered on me and us. It really hurt her and the conversation ended poorly. But on her way home, she stopped and left me this message:
"Hi. I don't mean to be cold and mean - to you. ...... I guess I needed to talk and if I was going to talk to anyone, it'd be you. "
To me, it's an indication of what we mean to each other, what we are to each other.
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