I should be happy. Or, at least, happier. I've gotten almost everything I wanted. I'm going to be single again. I've learned a lot about myself sexually. I'm going to have my "freedom" again - freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. No responsibilities to speak of. Footloose and fancy free. Carefree.
So why am I miserable most of the time?
Mind you, I did not, DID NOT, leave my marriage to be with B. It may look like that. I know W thinks that's the case. I maintain that it is not. B happened to come into my life at about that time. She helped me clarify what I wanted in my life, what I didn't want, why I was so unhappy. I wasn't looking for a replacement for W. I'm still not. Frankly I have no interest in finding one at this time. But I would take B as my partner, if she'd have me. But that was not "the plan". It just so happened that a woman who fit what I really want in a woman came along earlier than expected. That woman is B.
A year of thinking about what my future life will be like later, things have changed. B will not be there with me. She never said she would, though. But I certainly thought she would be here, be an integral part of my life, my future. And now I have to adjust to the cruel truth that she won't. She'll be in my life, because we'll still be friends, the best of friends. But I won't have her heart, won't have her next to me. And the loss of her in my future is almost unbearable. It's a crushing loss, an insurmountable defeat.
I don't know how I'll be able to go ahead. I will, one painful day at a time. But it seems like an impossible task. She'll be there, as my friend, and I know that when I need her that she'll be there. But she won't be there with me. That's what's so painful. I know what it'd be like with her next to me. And I can't have it.
I can't have it because she chose bf.
I lost.I lose.
I'm not sure I can handle that. How can I?
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