"I can't belive I'm walking away from what you have
to offer and have already given me".
I wanted to respond to her in chat, but couldn't, didn't have the time. So I wrote her this in an email, which she has yet to read. She kinda knows the subject and I'm not even sure she will read it.
B,
(Please grant me some leeway, k?) Then don't walk away b.. please don't.. a year ago - remember when W found the chat I left on the pc at home? - something I said in that chat (best I can remember) "I'm holding out my hand to you... take a chance, come walk with me, let's explore all that's waiting". I know where you stand on your relationship and I think I know why you've made the decision you made, even though I don't think you're happy about it ("nothing to look forward to" and "trying to live up to the decision I made to stay with bf" stick in my head). Whether it's loyalty or guilt or wanting to ease his pain or maybe even the love you do feel for him, it seems to me you're not happy - like you're resigned to your future. Fuck B - you're only 20-something, at least you've only got 50 more years there.
I can't tell you that what you feel for him isn't enough, or that you won't settle in and make a decent life. Hell for all I know he's the one you love with all your heart, now and forever. I just don't get that feeling though. I want to steal you away B... more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I know we can't guarantee what it'd be like - truthfully, it scares me a little because I know I'd have to work at it.. I could not (and do not want to) just go through the motions of a life with you... You are worth more, you'd demand more. and frankly, I want to give you more. I -want- to give you my full attention, my mind, my heart. It would be a gamble for you. Certainly there's the potential of significant financial changes. It probably feels like leaving one for another.
I know what I feel B. I know what I think you feel although I don't know for sure. I've said all along that life is too short to not get what you want. I want you, I want a life with you, but I have no control over that. I think (again with what I think) you want it too. I think you're very torn over what bf's feeling, over how you leaving would affect him, over what everyone would think or say. You know how torn I was about my divorce decision. The main reason I waffled for so damn long was because of the effect it'd have on her. Like you, I considered staying just to make it easier on her, to take away that pain. Could I have faked it? Maybe. Maybe even after enough time had passed, I'd have even come to be comfortable. If I perceive your situation correctly, I think you're in the same spot. The thought of hurting him more is terrible. But how terrible is the thought of not looking forward to your life?
You probably have already thought to yourself that "eventually" things will be bearable, and then ok. B - honestly, is "ok" what you want from life? You're probably a bit concerned about what your family and friends, even his family would say if you left. What have you always said about your family? "As long as you were happy, they'd be happy".
B, I don't think you're happy. Hell I know you're not - you've said it, that you have "nothing" in your life, nothing to look forward to. Fuck. What kind of future is that? Is he happy now? Sure he still has you, but is he happy? How many years do you think you'll have to account for your time before he's comfortable? How long can you do that? Do you think he's as happy now as he could be with anyone else? More importantly - are you? (and don't restrict the question to me).
I've said many many times - please, please, please do not give up your future and your happiness in the hope of making him hurt less and feel better. In the end you'll both lose out. Trust me, giving up your life in a selfless attempt to make someone else happy is NOT what you want to do. Ultimately it won't make you happy, won't make them happy, and they'll never even know or appreciate the magnitude of your sacrifice.
Ok, since my license for leeway is running out.... There are no guarantees, ever. but I promise you that I would never make you feel neglected or controlled or overpowered or leashed or caged. Yeah, I'm appealing to you. Come to me. Even if we were to fail, and I don't think we would, do you think you'd be better off having tried, maybe failed, but learned and lived, or giving up now?
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