In Spite of Myself...

Have you ever noticed that at times we are our own worst enemy? Why the hell is that?

I have a friend. A very special, very dear friend. Let's call this friend B. B knows me better than anyone else, ever. Yet, I've known B for less than 2 years. B knows things about me that no one else has ever heard, stuff that no one else has probably ever even guessed. B is one person that I know I can talk to about -anything-. Anything at all. B will never judge me, never think I'm weird because of something I say or think or want.

Ok - it's too hard to write about B and be non-gender specific all the time. You've probably guessed anyway that B is a woman. She is amazing in many ways. Almost from the very first moment we talked, I sensed a connection, a very different kind of connection.

So anyway, back to my point - have you ever noticed that we can be our own worst enemy? I know we've all done it. But I've discovered something disturbing. It seems to happen more often when it's a worse time for it to happen.

Let me explain. For reasons which will be covered at another time, B and I have had limited time lately. In fact, because of events outside of the circle of just B and I, our relationship has been, is being, severely tested. B is very strong willed and has very set limits. She can tolerate something, something irritating to her, very well - for a while. Once a line has been crossed, or a subject pushed too far, she'll shut off. The cosmically ironic thing is, I seem to be able to cross that line, to hit that limit, more often than ever lately, at a time when the last thing we need is for me to be crossing that line or hitting those limits.

And the worst thing, the thing that really kills me, is that I always do it with the best intentions. Usually I'm trying to make a point about something (usually something personal). Funny thing is, as soon as I've crossed that line, I know it, almost before she even responds. But once I see her response, I know I've blown it, done it again, dammit. So the net result is instead of pulling her closer, or resolving some issue, I only aggravate the situation.

Damn I hate doing that.