B called me this morning. She usually does, after she gets in and gets her work day started. She was in early today, which is not unusual, and she called me about an hour after she got in. In the old days, she'd have called me asap, but then, these aren't the old days. And anyway, I really can't complain - she called, which is what counts.
There's no way I can describe what it does to me to hear her voice. It's the highlight of my day. It's what I've been waiting for since we talked last Friday. I've thought about her, the sound of her voice, all weekend. I've waited for it. Longed for her. Every second that she talks to me, I feel as though she's touching me, physically.
As we talk, I feel everything welling up in me again. And again. ALL my desire, all my love, all my want for her. All the pain I felt, still feel, for having lost her, for not being her chosen.
How is it even humanly possible to be at the same time so ecstatic and so despondent?
I ask her how her weekend was, how things are with her and bf. "Fine." I guess I knew that she would not want to be very forthcoming. For one thing, she's not one to talk about her problems with anyone. She will with me, when the time is right, when she can get there. But not so early in our week, our conversations - she needs time to kinda 'warm up', to reconnect some, before she can get that personal. Of course, she's also always aware of my presence. She's guarded about telling me anything because of my interest in her. If she tells me things are good and getting better, she knows it'll hurt me. If she tells me that things are not good, maybe even getting worse, then she feels I'll be wanting to hear that. I can't tell her she's completely wrong, because she's not. But I'm trying, I really am, to be bigger than that. Yes, I still want her with all my heart, with very bit of my heart, but I try to put her welfare above that. If her and bf are really mending things, making things better, then I am happy for her, because I think that will be good for her. (I don't think it'll make her happy, but that's another issue altogether.) If her and bf are not doing well, if things are really painful for her, then I want to be able to offer suggestions on how to improve things, even though doing so feels like I'm cutting my heart to pieces. But ultimately, it comes down to the fact that I LOVE HER, so I know in my heart that I have to do anything I can to make her happy. Even if that means pushing her toward bf, helping her build that relationship into the central relationship in her life.
I'm so conflicted. I've never loved anyone this much. I've never cared for anyone elses' happiness as much as I do for hers. And I've never felt this much loss in my life. Ever. Sometimes I'm not sure I can take it. Can I take a lifetime of not having her? Even that is a rhetorical question, because I don't have a choice in the matter.
Have I mentioned how much I love this woman?
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