My World Grows Colder

Talked to B briefly this morning. We haven't spoken since Friday afternoon, which is the norm since we don't have our phones any more and she won't even try to call me on the weekends.

It's always great to hear her voice.
I still get that rush of excitement, that surge of ?connectedness? when we first talk. She was different though. She sounded, I don't know, ?distant?cool? I so much wanted to tell her how much I missed her over the weekend - but I knew it wasn't something she wanted to hear. I did tell her I missed her, just in general. She said "I know, me too" - and sounded sad and sincere.

It feels like this new reality that she's been building, sculpting for us out of our previous life is starting to gel. I'm not saying I'm accepting of this new state of things, because in many ways I'm not. Maybe I'm just starting to finally face reality, the reality that no matter how much I want her, and no matter how much she wants me (if she still does), this is the way it's gonna be, at least for the foreseeable future.

So she's not signing on IM until later today if at all - she's still behind and needs to get caught up. We probably won't talk at lunch - or at least, that's what I infer from her comments, although we'll likely talk before she leaves for the day, even if only for a few moments.

I wrote her on Friday regarding my concerns for how we're going to be during this upcoming period of adjustment. (Hm. Is it a period of adjustment, a temporary thing, or is she making us adjust to the way it'll be from now on?) I told her that I was very concerned that unless we both worked at staying the kind of friends that we can be to each other, that she'd let me fade from her life. I finally got her to read it, late in the day on Friday, but by then she was so late that she could barely skim it. She said that today she'll try to read it completely.

I already miss her presence so much - she's so noticeably absent from me day.

I hate it. I'm not sure I can take it.