Blunder After Blunder

I seem to have the finesse, the sensitivity and the thoughtfulness of, oh, a rock?

I sent B a package last weekend, which she picked up and we opened together on the phone. I like sending her things. I send her cards, letters and occasionally small gifts. Gifts kinda sounds bad - more like little presents, little things that I want her to have.

She likes to drink from styrofoam cups, not paper. I don't have a personal preference, but fine. I guess if you push me far enough I'd say I like styrofoam better too, because it doesn't sweat and keeps your beverage cooler longer. Last week someone had a catered lunch at work, in the breakroom. When I walked by afterwards, there was a stack of styrofoam cups left over. When I saw them I thought it'd be funny to send them to B, knowing that she'd get a kick from the silly gift. So, I grabbed them and took them home.

Friday night I packed up the cups to send to her. I always like to include a letter in her packages so I sat down to write one. I told her how much her email to me (last Friday) meant to me, and how I thought she'd misinterpreted my reaction.

As I was writing my letter, I caught sight of a book I'd bought that we'd read a couple of short stories from together. The book? Let's just say it was erotica. Quite the sexy book actually and we'd read a couple of them and came together over the phone. We haven't had phone sex in quite awhile - probably early November - and very little at all since September when bf found out about me. Since we've had little intimate time together, I haven't touched the book. Frankly, it was sad and a little painful to even look at it. It brought too strong feelings of loss and hurt to me to read from it without her.

You know I'm still trying to adapt to the new reality of my life - that I won't have B as anything other than a friend. It hurts to even think or write that - I miss her so much as a lover, even a phone lover, and I fill with such a feeling of loss that I have to stop and compose myself. But she is my friend, my very best friend and I love her in many ways. As her friend I know that I should not in anyway try to interpose myself between her and bf, that I should in no way impede her efforts at rebuilding and making her relationship with him better. I try. Really I do. I want to help, to offer a supportive ear, helpful suggestions whenever possible, even just be a sounding board for her to talk to.