Trying to be.. normal?

It's so difficult to hear her talk about her weekend. She makes it sound like everything is fine at home, that the change in our relationship, the distance she's putting between us is all just fine with her.

I don't believe it. Maybe I should, but I certainly don't want to.She tells me everything is fine at home. I read between her words. What does fine mean? Does it mean that she's 'turned a corner', that she's putting her full effort into making her relationship with bf work? I don't think so, at least I don't want to believe that. I know too much about her and her feelings for her home life to think so. Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

It is entirely possible that I've built myself up to be more important to her than I really am (or was). Very possible. If I've done that, made myself believe what wasn't true, then that hurts. In a couple of ways. On the other hand, if I really did mean more to her and she's now able to just turn away, put me away and possibly out of her life forever, that's an almost unbearable hurt.

If I've fooled myself, then fine - I'm a fool. It hurts because I didn't really think that at my age I'd still be susceptible to that level of self-delusion. Not really sure why I thought I might be immune to that, because in all honesty, I'm very good at believing what I want to believe, even when that little voice inside is saying to be careful. So this hurt would be because a) I've allowed myself to believe what I want to believe, whether the facts warrant it our not, and b) she doesn't feel for me what I thought she felt for me. The first one - eh, not so bad. I can live with it, because I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again. The second one though - bad. Very bad. I don't want to face up to the fact that I may not have been to her what I thought I was.

The "on the other hand" hurt is so much worse. What if I did mean more to her (even if not as much as I thought I did) and she can just turn away? Fuck. What do I make of that? She told me many times that she wasn't "in love" with bf, but that she did love him. Maybe that love was so much more than I thought. Was she downplaying it to make me feel more comfortable? (Doesn't seem like something she'd do.) If I am (or was) important to her, really important, how could she just turn away? Does it mean that whatever she feels for bf is so much more? Was it always that way, or is she just overcompensating now?