Thoughts of Friends

I was thinking (uh oh!) this morning.... thinking about many things, all kinda jumbled together, but tied together as well.

We're going through a rough spot right now, together and individually. You're putting much of your feelings for me aside so I don't interfere with your relationship with bf.
I'm having to give up the hope that you and I will be involved real time. You know the intensity of my feelings, and how easily I show them to you and (I think) I know your feelings and how NOT easily you show them. I know that there's passion for me in you and I know that you're suppressing it. What I'm afraid of is that -so much- will get suppressed, beyond that passion, that you'll shut off from me more and more. As time goes by and you pull away, I fear the closeness we have will begin to fade from you. You'll tell me less and less of your life, your thoughts, your dreams, wants and desires, tell me less of what goes on with you day to day. As you tell me less, you'll feel less connected and more distant.. cooler. Those feelings that allow you to be open with me will fade, your desire/ability to be open with me will fade. You'll tell me less and less of what's in you - our talk will become more ?ordinary?. You'll no longer see me as someone who is ?deserving? of your inner self. You'll initiate contact less and less, which means less talk which means less closeness which means initating less contact. It's a vicious, downward spiral. Somewhere in there you'll decide that keeping me in your life is not worth the risk to your relationship - and then you'll remove that risk from your life.

I don't think you want this to happen. I truly believe that you -like- having me in your life, want me in your life, as the kind of friend we've described before - the closest, most intimate friend. You know I want you in my life. If we're going to prevent the decay and loss of our friendship, we have to work on it. Do you remember the first few months of our relationship? The tone of our talks, chats and emails? We were very, very open - we talked about everything. Not just 'fun stuff' and not just sex, but everything - your relationship, mine, your life, mine, our thoughts about sex, about life, about living, about relationships, everything. We had sex - a lot. You were very open and receptive to me sexually, and I was in awe of finding a woman who was receptive to me and encouraged me, and us, to grow sexually and to explore. I believe that if we're going to maintain the wonderful thing that we've grown between us, we need to be there again.

For a while, it'll be difficult. You're working through issues within yourself, issues with him and issues about your relationship. You may be working through your own adjustment on how you feel about me. Because of my feelings for you, and because you're confused and unsure and maybe even embarrassed (you've said) about what's happening in your life, you're reluctant to share thoughts on those issues with me. Partly because you're not even sure what to say, partly because you may not even know what you think, partly because you know those things have an effect on me, and partly because you think that everything 'bad' you tell me will have me hoping more and more that you're closer to leaving and that we're closer to getting together.

On my side, I'm mourning the loss of the possibility (that I thought was -more- than a possibility) of meeting, wooing and winning a woman that I've grown to like, to respect, to love. I feel more love, more passion, more desire for you B, than I ever recall feeling before. I really, really thought that although you might not leave, that you would chose to make us real world lovers, that we would embark on a multiyear, perhaps lifelong love affair. I'm mourning not only that lost possibility, but I'm also seeing, on a daily basis, that that woman, who's told me she loves me, who's shown me she does, is now putting that love for me away. She's consciously downplaying it, making it less important to her or at least less a part of her life, less a part of her thoughts. I'm losing so much contact with my friend, the friend that wanted to talk to me all day, to call me when she had something she wanted to tell someone or when she wanted to ask a question. Although perhaps mostly my own perception, I'm also having to face the fact that basically, I lost. You've looked at him and I and at what you felt for him or could accomplish with him or his traits and I didn't measure up. Despite forming a more intimate and I feel closer relationship with me, I wasn't enough. That's a hard pill to swallow.

We both know that we have our own difficult issues to ?resolve?work through?. But B - we're friends, no matter what else we might have been or might someday be. Even though most of our individual difficulties relate directly to the other or our feelings for the other, these are exactly the kinds of things that friends lean on each other for, these are the times we need friends. Fortunately, we have that friend, don't we? - each other. I believe, firmly believe, that we need to, that we should deal with all of these things head on, as though they didn't involve each other. Not to say we should pretend that it doesn't - we should acknowlege it. There'll be times when it'll be difficult for both of us. But the ?healing? that we both need and seek - where better to find it than a best friend?

I'm going to say something to you that I said a year ago and recently said to you again, although this time I say it with a different intent. I'm holding out my hand to you B; take it, come with me, let's get through this together. this time I'm not trying to entice you to make your life with me (although I still want that). This time, let's rebuild, let's continue building this friendship. It's a wonderful and rare and precious thing we have - to lose it, to let it fade away would really be a shame, a terrible loss. B, even if I can't have you for my partner, I so very very much want you for my friend, my very best friend. You mean so much to me as a person and as a friend and I can't imagine, don't want to imagine not having you as my friend.

I know that having you as my best friend, a special confidante will be difficult for any future relationships I may have. Tough. They'll know from early on that you are in my life, that you are a very important part of my life and that I will not lessen you to have them. I just won't. I'm a little concerned about it from your side though. As you once mentioned, it'd be nice if you could 'out' me so I don't have to stay hidden. That will be difficult, but I believe ultimately possible.