Wednesday, 1/19

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Got to IM with B a fair amount and even talked on the phone about 3 times, for a total of several minutes. Seems strange to think that simple minutes on the phone with someone could be so important.

I wish I could figure out where B's head is really at. She's sticking by her decision to stay with bf, yet it seems to me that she's really unhappy being there.
I'll admit that I don't know for sure, but it seems to me that she's staying out of some sense of loyalty or something. I believe it has to do with the stereotypical story of someone having an affair and leaving one relationship for another, something she has always said she can't ever see herself doing. Truth of the matter is, I admire her for that. Of course, I also want her to do that exact thing - leave him for me. It wouldn't really be like that though - if she left him, she'd insist on being on her own for awhile. We'd start seeing each other, I'm sure, but there would be no immediate becoming a couple.

Yesterday she said something to me that I'm still trying to process, still trying to figure out exactly what it means, and if it means that she's wavering or that there's still a chance for us. She said (IM'd) 'i can't believe i'm "walking away" from what you have to offer and have already given me'. What can I glean from this? (Warning: entering over-analysis mode!)

Doesn't it have to mean that she really feels that we could have something special together? That she likes what I have to offer, likes who I am? It also tells me that she's still walking away though, still deciding to be with bf. And yet, doesn't it somehow, to some degree, indicate that she's at least examining her decision, that maybe it doesn't seem as clear cut as it might have been before?

I wrote her a pretty long response, which she hasn't read yet. I wonder if she'll read it and if she does, will she respond? And if she responds, will it be 'favorable' to me/us? You can't imagine how much I hope today brings her closer to me.