Dunno. Dunno. Dunno

Tuesday with B was great. We had a couple of great calls, a little chat, and a nice end of day talk. We didn't get to talk till after 12 but the rest of the day was fun, light - like we've been before.

Yesterday we talked early then didn't get to talk again till we chatted at about 3pm. She was able to call for a while after 5 and we talked a bit. Then she had to go, called back, said her ride was on the way and she had to go, then poof! gone.

The abrupt departure wouldn't have been so bad, but the afternoon chat didn't go so well. We were doing fine and then I tried to get her a little distracted with sex. I wasn't going to try to get us there for full blown sex talk, but really just wanted to turn her on a little. I sent her a paragraph from a little fantasy I'd written recently. She told me that "now wasn't a good time for that". I'd kinda guessed it, but I've always had (and she's always admitted that I have) a knack for getting her in the mood even if she doesn't think she is open to it.

Not yesterday. I made a comment that "it's tough on a guy when she's no longer interested." My impression was that I'd just made a sex-related comment at a time when she wasn't open to it. I struck deeper than that though. She's been concerned that she's losing interest in sex - with bf, with me, just in general. She clearly took my comment about "it's tough" as though I was not sensitive to her state of mind; not just at the moment, but her deeper malaise toward sex. I knew how much she felt I wasn't concerned about the impact of all this on her when she said "it's tough on a gal when -she's- no longer interested".

I wanted to tell her that of course I wasn't discounting her deeper thoughts - how could I have known those were troubling her at that time? I was simply making a comment, self-centered admittedly, that -I- felt rejected because she didn't respond to me. How could I have known that my sex attempt struck her much deeper than the immediate?

It already bothers me immensely that she feels her sex drive is in remission. She's so sexual, so sensual, so open minded to and about sex, she enjoys it so much - it concerns me a great deal that she's feeling so non-sexual lately. I know the reasons and it all comes down to ... me. She's really not happy at home, in her relationship with bf. She's not unhappy to the extent that it's onerous or that it's a bad environment, but she is unhappy. She doesn't look forward to going home or to being with him. She's confident that he's actively trying to catch her doing something wrong (like talking to me). She feels she can't do anything alone because he accuses her of trying to call me or something, so she goes out of her way to always make sure that no matter what she's doing she includes him, asks him along.

She loves to run. Like many, it's a time of escape, of solitude, a time to be alone with your thoughts and no outside distractions. She feels she has to always have him come along now - and so has lost all interest in running. It's no longer a pleasant time for her - it's another chore.

She's very concerned, freaked almost, about leaving him alone at home, so she won't stay (very) late at work. She's afraid he's digging, trying to find more stuff, more stuff, more stuff to confront her with. First he spent a lot of time looking for me - name and number searches, etc. Now she thinks he's searching more for her - trying to catch her. He hammers her (my term, not hers) every day wanting to know if she's been good.

She tells me she has nothing in her life to look forward to. Can you even imagine how that makes me feel, on many levels? First, she's my friend. I want her to be happy, to have things she wants to do, looks forward to. I was happy when she started running regularly again after a long break. It feels to me like she sees her life as "gray". No high points, nothing to look forward to. I don't want my friend to live like that.

The two sides of me (friend and wanna be lover) both want very much for her to be happy, to get back her spark, to get back her interest, her hunger for sex. She's too young to be unhappy like this. Obviously my two sides want different outcomes for how she overcomes this down period. Even if I can't have her, I truly want her to be happy.