it's wrong. all wrong.

everything i do or say pushes her away. it's as though the very memory or thought of -me- or what was -us- is so completely uncomfortable to her that she recoils from me.

i'm so completely at a loss for what to do.

she doesn't want me to want her as a partner. yet when i try to bury that, she says i'm like a stranger. she says i turn her on and that she can still see us as lovers. yet she tells me how much she doesn't want sex or anything to do with it, or how much i'd -not- like having her as a lover. when i try to pull back my sexual attention from her she says i'm distant.

she doesn't want me to know who she is, even recently said "i have no intention of changing that", yet she considers it ?offensive? (like it should be no big deal) that i bemoan not knowing her.

it's wrong. all wrong. all of it. everything in my world is off kilter.

and i don't know what to do about it.

everytime i reach for her, i bump and push her further away. when i try to put her at ease that the want-her-as-my-partner side is being quieted down, put aside, she takes it as though -i'm- moving away from her.

i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i don't know why she doesn't want me. i don't know what to do to keep her in my life.

i don't know how i could continue if she chose to not be in my life anymore. she is part of my world now, as much as she wants to be, and i'm barely maintaining my sanity.

what if she goes?