there's no winnning

another weekend passed.

another weekend lost. more days that will always be looked back on as "without her".





i asked her three times how her weekend was. each time i tried to ask exactly what i wanted to know, but couldn't. i tried to formulate the question, but couldn't. how much i want to know her thoughts, her feelings, her reactions, the changes in her heart and feelings these days, but ... i feel like i'm not "authorized", like i have no right to know, no right to intrude on her private life, and how much more private a thing is there than how your weekend was with your lover and partner?

it's very strange and very, very disconcerting to feel this dichotomy of emotions. it starts from a neutral place, even from a feel-good-about-the-possibility viewpoint, hoping that she had a good weekend with her partner, hoping that they connected, got along, shared all they share. hoping, even as the words come out, that she had a good weekend, that she enjoyed life, him, their life. knowing, even as the sounds fade from my ears that the better her weekend, even the better i hope it was, the worse for me.

whether a so-so weekend for her or a life-changing weekend of love and rediscovery and recommitment to her chosen, it's a lessening of my life and my hopes. if she had a so-so weekend, then it's painful because she's -not- living fully and at the same time -not- with me. and if a great, life-changing, love-reaffirming weekend, well, that effect is obvious too.