(fat, dumb and ) Happy Days

in the three weeks since she's been gone (since last thursday) i've begun to wonder: what was it like before B? what was my day? what filled it, or was it as empty as i imagine it must have been?

those days must have been my "fat, dumb and happy" days. okay, fine, i'm still fat. i was dumb by virtue of not having met her yet, and because of that, didn't yet know what it felt like to connect with someone as completely and deeply as we connected. and i guess i was happy (in a relative sort of way) because i hadn't yet learned the terrible truth that having discovered such a thing, we wouldn't get the chance to take that connection into the physical world, that we'd not get the chance to really explore and discover what it could be, how much more it could grow.

so now i'm fat, smart and sad. fat - well, nuff said. smart - because i've learned so much about myself, and another person and seen glimpses of what a relationship could really be. sad - because after having discovered that, and discovered her, and then having to learn that a group of lesser things far outweigh the value and possibilities of that relationship.

while i don't particularly agree with the sentiment, i'm reminded of a song lyric from Bob Seger:

"...wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then...".