can she forgive?

those that do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

i forgot it. and have been repeating it. and hurting her and wasting our precious time for over a year.

last night i found an email that i wrote B a little over a year ago.

how do i apologize to her for all the angst and frustration and hurt and pain i've caused her over the past year? and all for no good reason, other than ... ?selfishness?

i'd written her a long email. when i read and reread it, it struck me that it sounded exactly like an email i might have written her last night. and it struck me - a year. i've been in the same place for over a year. she's been in the same place for over a year.

that email was almost exactly the same email i would have written her last night. a year ago she didn't want the relationship that i wanted. she doesn't want it any more now. she's told me that very clearly. guess i just wasn't listening - that's how much -i- wanted that relationship, that's how much i believed (or wanted to believe) that -she- wanted it too.

so for another year, i've tried to steal her heart, sway her opinion, convince her that she didn't belong there, that she belongs with me. a year spent trying to convince her that it was me she wanted, not him, despite what she was plainly telling me.

a year that i could have been being her friend instead of trying to have her. a year we could have spent being close and fun and friendly and how she and i should be with each other, instead of a year of her pain and frustration.

where would we be today? how much better would we be if i'd been her friend instead of trying to force myself on her as a lover and partner?

is it too late now? have i pushed her so far, caused her to build such thick walls that i'll never be able to reach her again?

i wonder if she can forgive me for being so selfish?

i wonder if she even remembers me as the friend i was/could've been/should've been?