good start. no finish.

i was bound and determined to make it. That is, to make the weekend, or at least -one- day a day worthy of being part of a -life-.

it started out good, too. sleep late. clean up. got motivated to go shopping for things i've needed for a very long time. i bought pillows, pillow cases, a couple of belts, some socks, some t-shirts, even some new towels. (BTW, bath sheets - yum! a towel big enough for my fat ass...).

got out, got shopping (something i normally hate to do), got what i went for, got tired, went home. even when i was tired of shopping, it felt -good-. i actually did something that i've needed to do.

i can do this, i thought. i can live without her. see? i'm up, i'm out, i'm doing those things that people who have a life do. not such a big deal... what's been holding me up?

a good start, but no finish.

got tired, headed home. haul my loot inside. unpack, untag, put the linens and towels in for a wash. grab a drink. relax. think how nice it was to be out last night at the same time as her, doing the same thing as her (playing pool) and enjoying private thoughts of her. thoughts of her out with her lover and partner, enjoying the things that lovers do together. wondering what she did with him during the day. what she would do with him during the night. and the next day. and the next night. and every other night for the rest of her life. with him. as i sit and wonder about her. wonder if she thinks of what could have been. had she wanted.

and sink back into my dark hole.