building history

i needed to be prepared because i expected her sunday-monday business trip to extend through next weekend, combining it with the trip she'd promised him. she got furious with me for thinking that she might do so when she told me she wouldn't. today she tells me that she is changing her trip after all. she's leaving today, planning on coming back monday evening.

and he -is- going, after all.

i don't care about the itinerary change.

so why does that one other simple change make me so completely lost, helpless, empty, sad, hurt, hopeless?

she'd have spent the weekend with him anyway. what's the difference if it's on travel instead?

other than the novelty of being away. a new bed. new places to go, together. things to do, together.

truthfully, i'm only losing out on maybe two hours of talk time, at most.

so why am i so completely empty?

one of her reasons for staying is that "she's already there, already in that life, we have history". and every new experience, especially those out of the ordinary, like traveling together, is one, six, fourteen more shared experiences they have. more reasons to stay. more history she can't give up.

another nail in the coffin of my hope for a future of "us".

at the same time, another bonding experience, another shared fun time for her to settle back into a life with him.

the life she already has.