throwin' away the time

Reelin' in the years, throwin' away the time...

several things (well, a couple anyway) of things seem to be hovering around, circling, waiting for the opportunity to inflict the most possible impact on me.

i'm leaving tomorrow on one of things that you only ever get to do once, no matter how many times you do it - i'm taking my daughter to college. how is this possible? it seems like it was just a couple of weeks ago that i stood, tears in my eyes, as she walked into her first day of preschool. how did we get -here-, so quickly? new teeth, her first sleep over, youth groups, school trips, class president, first date, prom, graduation - how did these things fly by so fast?

then there's her mothers' disappointment in me, in how i defaulted on the life i'd promised her.

then there's that city; B's city. i have to fly in and out of there. after my previous disasterous trips there, i told myself i'd always keep the airport between me and her, keep my distance from her so she can relax, so it doesn't feel as though i'm invading her space.

and then there's B. the possibility of a meeting. is it possible? sure, anything's possible. is it likely?

so all these things are circling around me, have been for a week or so. how can you maintain any semblance of sanity with all these things over your head? i can't look forward; who could? who could see the endings and the beginnings swirling around the same point in time and not go insane?

so instead of facing the challenges i've put in front of myself head on, like a man taking responsibility for his life, i withdraw and shrink in front of the beast.

but i can't face opening my hand and letting my daughter go away - she already hates me and once she's gone from the house, she isn't required to face me anymore, or to even tolerate me in her life.

nor can i take another declined meeting by B. i can't make myself walk headlong into the disappointment and the hurt, the rejection, yet again. i swallow the rejection everyday when she chooses him over me again and again. in a way that's an ?easier? rejection because it's been repeated over a thousand times, but also because it's "soft" - that is, there's no firm possibilities as far as what it could be, where, how and when. but for times when i'm going to be close to her it's different. there -is- a where and a when and knowledge of what it could be like. i don't have the strength, the wherewithal to walk headlong into that loss again.

so, in keeping with my classic style of avoidance, i don't allow myself to think about those things. nor do i allow myself any joy for the things that should be joyful, for to open yourself up to joy is to also allow the pain and the hurt in. and right now it'd be too overwhelming. so i'll "back into" the trip, make the trip while walking backwards, looking backwards, observing the things i see passing behind me. that way, maybe i won't have to face the really painful things until they've passed and are fading into yesterday.

and wave good bye to my daughter as she walks away from me, into her future.

and wave good bye to my future, my love, my B, as she turns back to her future.