it's possible, but can -i- do it?

ok. we know it's possible, because -she- can do it. but what about us mere mortals?

laying in bed, watching the fan spin, spin, spin. her visage all around. not just her face, but all that is her - her voice, images of her working, or with him, or surrounded by a group of guys, or jet skiing, or displayed on my desk (a fantasy from long ago). the whole spectrum of emotions runs through me.

i want her. for friend, lover, partner. she wants me as a friend, perhaps some day even as a lover. she can enjoy all the things that our relationship can bring, up to the point of interfering with her life. all those things, or at least the majority of the whole of each, the emotions, the feelings, the intimacy, the closeness, the fun, can be enjoyed without moving into the real world. she's able to simply say "no" to anything that requires a presence in the physical world. since the vast majority of those things that draw us close and make us feel good can and do exist -without- moving into the real world, why can't -I- make myself enjoy them the same way?

we've been through interesting times.

when we were at our best the passion and connection and intimacy that we created was with me (us?) all the time, day, night, weekend. i never ?fretted/wondered/worried? about the future, because there was -no- question in my mind that eventually (and frankly, sooner rather than later) we'd be together. the single largest cause behind the problems she and i have had over the last year and a half has been ?grief/pain? that always surfaces when i realize that it's not gonna happen: she's not going to open up to me, she's not going to see me, we are not going to be together. period.

so, i'm watching the fan go around and around and around. and there it is: what if i just don't allow myself to think about the future? what if i FORCE myself to only allow the future to be the next minute or hour or day or until we talk again? what if i CUT OFF any thoughts beyond the immediate, the here and now? i know i won't be able to do it all the time, but what if i could keep my grief private, let it affect only -me-, and only on the weekends, or at least not when she's available to me? what if i could believe that she loved me, that she wanted me, that i really was the man she wanted, at least during the day or during the time she's available?

what if i treat us as though today is just another day on the path of days that will take us to where i wish we were going to wind up? how much better would we be? how much stress and hurt could i remove from her life?

there is a danger of course, and that is that i may again start thinking that the future is going to be as i want it to be. if that happens, then it'll start damaging us again, as it has. "Our" future will exist during the day, during whatever time we can share. She's chosen her future and it exists ?beyond? me.

i need to be/think like i have short-term amnesia, but in reverse. instead of not remembering things in the past, i have to not think of what could be in the future, just "be" with her as though the future were going to be the future i want. anything beyond that needs to be quashed. any thoughts of what to do next or what the next step of our relationship will be or can we meet this week or how can we go away together have to be averted, stopped before they take shape.

the main question is: do i have the strength to control my thoughts, wishes, hope?