well then...

well. -that- didn't go so well.

instead of having a nice day today, which she wanted, i've managed to piss her off, push her away and make her go away.

at least i'm consistent. seems like i always do this whenever going to be close to her happens.

i wonder if i do it to make it easier on her and i? maybe by pissing her off and pushing her away, i don't have to fret, wonder and hope about whether or not she'll meet me - because i've guaranteed that she won't want to.

or maybe i do it for her sake - so she doesn't have to make a decision, doesn't have to ponder whether or not she should do this (which would ultimately make her even more unhappy because of guilt); the answer's a resounding "NO", "NO", and "Hell NO!".

maybe i want to sabotage the chances of a meeting so i don't have to (so neither of us has to) be disappointed by the reality of me.

or maybe i'm just a jerk.

whatever it is, it assures that she stays there. and that i stay alone.