all things being equal...

all things being equal, i lose.

even with a 10, 15, or even a 25% advantage in my favor, i lose. and i have no such advantage.

i can't overcome his homefield advantage. can't overcome their history. and never will be able to, because every day i know her, their history continues to grow. that alone guarantees i won't win. can't win. she can't overcome their history, so how can i? the things that i (may or may not) offer her are intangible, guessed at, she's unsure even exactly what they are or what they mean or how much or if she wants them.

but there's no opportunity for fairness, because she won't meet me. won't let us get together, say hi, touch, talk, maybe even kiss. see what we'd be like in person. how or if we'd connect, mesh, feel good together. how can you say "no" when you don't know?

so he gets 8 years of history, the majority of her day, all of her weekends, and a million opportunities to show her not only love but friendship. i don't.

so with the only things i have to offer that could even the scales, possibly even tilt them in my favor not allowed, there's no way i can overcome her objections and feelings based on their history, their day to day life. the prospect of being the lover she wants, the friend she wants are the only things that could possibly help me overcome the financial advantages she has with him. but i don't get the chance.

it's so unfair that she's deciding if their life together is what she wants when she doesn't know and won't look at any other models of what a couple could be together.

she won't take even a single glance at what we might be like, together. the possibility of what we could be like, together.

why? if it was good, wouldn't she want to know that? and if she was afraid it'd be bad, wouldn't ya want that confirmed?

maybe she doesn't want to ruin the fantasy.

maybe some things are better kept as a fantasy.

my fantasy is to be her reality.

my reality is... -he- is her reality. at best, i'm a fantasy.

random or structured?

random actions or little changes? coincidence and coincidental timing or change in priorities & a desire to change the norm?

things have been a little "off" lately. certainly since her trip, possibly even before. it's possible that it's just a bad timing thing and all these things just happen to be happening in the same time period. she's been busier than before - but that could be just things catching up to her, or maybe she's just letting me distract her less.

less phone time. by far. some days she doesn't even sign in to chat. called her for a quick laugh, she answered, hung up, turned off the phone. somedays barely a chat line during the day. earlier departures. and easier for her to go, and faster.

and fuck me to tears (for letting hope prevail) i was -positive-, POSITIVE she was gonna call yesterday, despite knowing that she wouldn't call. i was positive. positive. even though i knew it was impossible.

she used to love getting things from me, even though they've always been meaningless, just for fun, trinkets of affection. the last time, he prevented her from getting them for twelve days. (fine, she was away for 4 of those). anyway, she finally got the package. and has had it for 5 days. it shouldn't be a big deal, and in the sense of what it really is (some stupid Vday crap), it's not a big deal. just different priorities.

for whatever reason, whether choice or just getting more and more used to the environment, her focus seems to be changing. as her friend, i should be glad.

as the loser, i am not.

and then...

and then she's gone.

again.

it used to be that we had long, leisurely friday afternoons. when we hung up we knew it was just a few hours until we talked again, our long leisurely saturday mornings.

and then it was no weekends. and the weekends became a long countdown until we talked first thing monday morning.

and then friday afternoons got cut shorter and shorter.

and then it became no longer "first thing".

i want her more than anything, more than ever. i want her so much it hurts.

but i have less of her than ever. less time, less talk, less mindshare.

at some point, will i just cease to be?

now what?

she tells me everything worked out okay yesterday.

she sounded okay this morning. between my meeting and hers, we had only 5 mins to talk. then i ask if we'll have some time to talk before she leaves. she thinks he'll be around about then, so probably not. since closing time is only 30 mins away i ask if we can talk now.

no.

and then she's gone for the weekend. again.

mondays' a long way away.

and monday?

what do i do/think now?

it's the time when she'd be leaving the office, -after- our talk time.

but she hasn't yet called since the short call after lunch. since the thing with bf.

i can imagine all kinds of scenarios.

the two most likely are that she either just really doesn't want to talk (and there's several things that could mean, none of them good) or he's come to her office to try to look for her phone or whatever he can find.

either way she's got to be having a terrible afternoon. and the evening will likely be just as bad.

and there's nothing i can do for her or to help her in any way. nothing.

i can't even call her to say "sorry".

it'll be a long, long night for both of us. hers full of accusations, insults, fighting, guilt. mine full of uncertainty, silent pain.

and hoping that she comes back tomorrow.

nothing i can do to help

she called for a sec, to tell me she was okay but didn't feel like talking.

i can only imagine what transpired, how she must be feeling. what she must be feeling.

while it's very ironic that what he accused her of is not what was going on, that doesn't change the reality of what she's going through right now.

fuck.

i'm her friend and i should be giving her support and anything else she wants. but i can't contact her. and frankly, because i'm the at the root of this problem (and all of the problems -he- has with the relationship, but not the cause of the problems in their relationship), she won't even come to me. she's pulled back from me as well.

fuck.

frightened, apprehensive, scared, wondering

we were talking. he called. she didn't have to say anything to me, as i knew she was going to take the call.

as they're talking it's apparent that he thinks she was talking to someone else, when she was talking to a clerk at the store.

the line drops.

finally she calls back, for 5 seconds then goes.

over two hours later and still no contact. what's happening? did he race to find her, to try to catch her? is he sitting in her office grilling her? did she go home to him?

i can't call her, she's not on im, not answering email.

where is she??

her

her presence soothes me.

her voice caresses me.

her friendship sustains me.

her laugh warms me.

she completes me.

would that she wanted me with her.

hopeful. hopeless.

last year was tough. really tough. too many life changes. divorce. job change. city change.

this year could very well turn out to be tougher by far. actually, it will either be the hardest ever or the best so far. this year i'll either lose her and have to start on my way into a future without her. or get her love and begin to live and love and grow with her.

last year i was sure i lost B for good.

after thanksgiving she told me she was going to really evaluate her life and whether the relationship she's in is what she can live with for the rest of her life. that gave me hope, because in her heart, i don't think she's happy there. i think she stays because it's easier than hurting him, easier than leaving. she mentioned three months, not counting december, but emphasised that that was not a hard and fast rule, not at all.

and so we approach that time frame. at this point probably more my timeframe than hers, but approaching nonetheless. and the hope of -my- future being -our- future dwindles. i told her that if things mellowed a little at home that she'd get used to that state of affairs and that it would seem less onerous. acclimatization. it's like that old experiment with frogs. drop a frog into a beaker of boiling water and they'll go crazy trying to get out. but put a frog into a beaker of not hot water but put a flame under it, and the frog will stay until it's dead. acclimatization. getting used to conditions that slowly deteriorate. and that's what's happening. she told me that she's getting used to things. she's thinking that maybe it's -her- that's wrong, not the situation.

it's just as i feared.

she's choosing her future. and mine. for herself, she'll either have what she has now, or what she could have with me, or anything else she wants. whatever her choice, she gets what she wants. she can see that future, has a choice of futures and by simply making a decision, she'll have it. for me, i either get the future i want, with her, or i have nothing. there's no alternate future that i envision that i might choose instead. unlike her, i know the future i want (although i believe she does know). period. if that doesn't come to pass, then i lose. everything. i'll have to somehow press on from a position of nothing into a future that i don't want and that has nothing i want.

i can't help but feel that her decision won't be "pure". it won't be purely based on what she wants for her life. there are several other factors that she places ahead of what she wants in importance and i'm afraid those will force her away from doing what she wants. she doesn't want to hurt him, because they have history. she doesn't want to leave one relationship for another. she doesn't want to face her family and his and their friends and having to explain why. she financially very comfortable and knows that with him she'll always be better off than alone or with me. she's afraid she might leave, go to me (or someone else) and it not work out.

i thought when you were young was when you were supposed to value love and happiness over money and all else.

every day that passes without her growing more restless, every day that passes that finds her more defensive of him, more settled in to that life, more accepting of the sensuality that she's given up, more accepting of the hate she has for their physicality, more innured to his constant suspicions and comments brings us that much closer to -that- day. the day she decides she doesn't deserve what she wants, that the stilted love and life that she has is better than hurting him, the day she tells me goodbye.

there's still a chance for us, i suppose. at least, she hasn't said no to that possibility yet.

how do i keep hope? and should i? and how do i prevent my despair, the foreshadowing of that dreaded future without her that's with me in my most private moments, how do i prevent that from turning me into someone she can't stand, doesn't like, so that even as she's making her decision i become less and less desireable, in turn giving her more reason to stay?

saturdays.

we talked earlier today about talking on the weekends. she's constantly under surveillance and suspicion. to make him feel better she's overly solicitous of making sure that she never goes anywhere alone. she can't take her phone home over the weekend and even if she could, it feels too wrong to her to do that, to talk to me from their home.

she's said all that before.

but today it became clear to me: we'll never have saturdays or weekends again.

never.

in fact, ever speaking to her on the weekends again will be a rarity, only on the off chance that somehow she happens to be out and alone. and willing.

why?

why do i try so hard? why do i try so hard to give her opportunities and reasons for why she should give me her name or her number, or tell her how i feel, or how we'd be together or why we should meet?

if she wanted to, she'd do it. period.

she feels she can't trust me with her name or number.

she won't feel for me because she feels for him.

she won't meet because she's with him.

she won't listen to or think about what we'd be like together because she's already there, in -that- life.

so why do i do it? why do i try, at every opportunity, to ?sell? her on how we'd be, on why we should be? she knows. and she has complete control, the power to choose whatever she wants.

if she wanted it, she'd have it.

so why do i keep trying?

because she's worth it. because i love her so much it hurts. because i want her so much it hurts. because even though the chance of ever seeing her is infinitesimally small, and growing smaller with every passing day, i have to. she's the one. i couldn't live with myself if i let her go without trying everything in my power to have her.

is this a sign?

maybe i'm dense. mayeb i expect too much. maybe i think i'm more (to her) than i really am. maybe i don't understand her situation.

its three days. three long fucking days after six, SIX fucking days without her, an we had maybe an hour to talk on friday. one fucking hour in TEN fucking days. one hour. ten days. g-d, looking back i can't believe it's been so little for so long.

imiss her so much.

this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. missing her. wannting her. not having her.

three days since we talked. is it ?unreasonable? to think that in three days she would be alone for 30 minutes and able to call for 1, 2, 3, even 5 minutes? is that so unreasonable? if she really wanted to, if seh really missed me, wouldnt' she make tje time, the effort?

i sat at work today, wonderng why she didnt' call. where shewas, why she wasn't caling.

(shes in a relationship that she wans to stay in)

the fuck is wrongw with me? when am i gonna understan?d, finally figure it out?

the earth spins again

she's back!

well, not -back-, coz i never had her, but you know what i mean. probably never will, either.

hearing her voice, so sweet, so soft... music to my ears.

the earth can spin again, my heart can beat again, the sun rises again.

i wonder what it'd be like if we were in the real world? not even as partners, but just having met?

actually, just like he did, i would have taken off work and gone with her too. although, come to think of it, she probably wouldn't have wanted that. she'd have wanted time away, some alone time. she'd have probably been insistent on me not going. yet she's fine with him going, even though he's not going to be with her but rather to keep her from "fucking around". if only he knew how loyal she really is to him. he thinks she has no loyalty and that she's fucking everybody. she won't even meet me because of her loyalty. he has everything and thinks he has nothing. i have nothing and think i have (almost) everything.

funny - i would've wanted to go with her, would've been disappointed to not go, but wouldn't have made a fuss. and while she was gone, i would never ever have worried about her fucking around.

whatever. he has her, she has him.

i have nothing. but i get to talk to her again. and that's something.

a very big something.

now what?

we're so different. it's almost an hour after she should be back in the office after 6 days away. no word, no contact. if it was me, the entire fucking department could be sitting on my desk waiting for me to get in and i'd tell 'em they just have to wait, even if only for 2 minutes.

different priorities.




and then there's the regular worries: is she hurt? married?

todays' the day

it's funny. i'm a ball of nerves. i'm anxious, excited, apprehensive, nervous, worried, even afraid.

she's supposed to be back today.

i know what i'm afraid of or worried about - it's just that it sounds so silly when ya say it. and yet each is a very real possibility.

she could have accepted his proposal of marriage. or decided that she is staying, for good. or that having me in her day is too risky to her relationship with him. or that i'm too disruptive to her work day. any number of things, all of which would mean - she's gone.

hell, i'm even worried that she finally decided to meet me, because then we'd be on the road to her finding out that i'm not the man she wants. now, at least, i can say she's not with me because she loves him and their life. if she met me then left, i'd have to face up to the fact of just not being who she wants. no different than it is now, just that i'm allowed to believe it's something else.

but still.... i can't wait.

i want to hear her voice, her laughter. i want to feel her touch me with her voice, her attention. i want to be in her focus, even if for only a few moments.

Time apart

Four days (of six). Valentine's Day. Two days to go.

It's been four and a half days since the last time B and I talked. before she went away for the weekend. and a business trip. and valentine's day.

i had a feeling she'd call (that is, want to, have a chance to, and actually do it) over the weekend. and i had a really strong feeling that she was gonna call yesterday. i'm not feeling so sure that she'll want, try or make the opportunity to call over the next two days.

i went away to see a friend over the weekend. it was wierd - all weekend i kept the phone close at hand because i was sure she was gonna call. sure. i could just feel it.

same thing yesterday - valentine's day. i kick myself now for allowing myself to fall into the trap of it. it's no big deal to her. it is to me though. but then, to me it's a romantic day to spend with your honey, and to disclose your love and feelings for someone special (not that i usually hold off any other day). to her it's an overhyped fake holiday. a day when her partner is probably gonna want to take her out then expect sex. and a day when she can pretty much be assured of getting (unwanted?) much too much in the way of affection and emotion from me.

i'd sent her some things for her to open on friday. little things, cards, etc, that i was hoping we could use as our ?private?special? v-day celebration. but of course things never work out like you plan (as evidenced by her still being there and me being here) and she ran out of time on friday. so instead of her heading into the long, long weekend with a (hopefully) warm glow and some (admittedly) trinkets for V-day, all of that became a source of stress. so instead we blew off the package and tried to give her time to just chill before leaving the office. another good idea (well, to me anyway) spoiled by my procrastination. oh, and her having a lover she won't leave.

i had it in my head that because of the day and being away and whatever, that she'd make a special effort to call yesterday. or to at least touch base somehow.

anyway.

my natural instinct is to think that she didn't because she didn't want to send me a message of any sort, because it might make me think she's more likely to meet me or want to leave him or whatever. or to think that she specifically didn't make contact because she isn't -that- to me, she's that to -him-. although truth be told (and i'm not sure this makes it any better), it probably just never occurred to her to call. she's at a conference, he's with her, she's out of the office. it's possible that the next time she thinks of me will be when she sees something in her office that says "oh, him".

so now what do i do? there's at least 48 hours till she's back in the office.

a long time to brood, feel alone, continue to feel that i've lost the love of my life, that she's settling into her life with him again, that she might not even come back.

but hopefully i'll have her for an hour or two before the weekend. before she goes away, back to him & their life.

again.

wandering. rambling.

i don't know where i am anymore.

at the same time, in the same instant, i can be completely and totally wrapped up in her, positive beyond any doubt that we will, eventually, wind up together - and also be accutely aware that it's much more likely that i'll never see her, that she'll never be comfortable enough with me to want to open her life to me.

i can feel overwhelmingly distraught, hopeless and bleak knowing that there's no hope she'll ever leave him, no hope of ever having her in my arms. it's the same black despair that's always been in my heart when i think those terrible thoughts. it used to be that anytime those thoughts, those realizations, came to me i would immediately lose it. my eyes would fill with tears, the black hole would materialize in my chest and i would be unable to function, unable to be around anyone, almost unable to breathe. i spent a lot of time in the bathroom or walking alone outside or sitting in my car.

but now it's different, slightly. i still know those horrible truths, still get the enormous black weight in my chest. i'm still unable to function. but the flood of tears doesn't run as easily. the agony of my loss, of my not-having is just a ...numbness. that scares me. i don't want to get used to it, or accept it. losing her (even though i never had her) is not something to "get over". ever. it's the hugest, most significant, most life changing loss that anyone could ever experience. getting used

let

when i hear the phone disconnect after only a few short, precious minutes i wonder to myself "how can you just let her go??".

truth of the matter is i don't "let" her do anything. she won't let me in. won't let me close. won't let me love her. won't let me see her. won't let us meet.

i have no power, no control. no equality.

i don't "let" anything.

i simply exist until such time as she no longer wants to talk to me. i can hope (for no reason other than it helps me get by) that she might someday want me, want to see me. but i'll go on, waiting every morning for her call, dreading every evening when she leaves until the day she doesn't call anymore. at which time this "me", this self that lives to love her, will finish dying. the body will go on, albeit with spirit and hope dead. and perhaps at some time in the distant future, some pale substitute for the love lost (the love never even allowed to -try- to flourish) might happen along. i'll feel sorry for that one, probably shouldn't even let her in, because she'll never have the whole of me. the biggest part of me will have died and much of the rest will still be mourning that which never was. except that it was in my heart. just not in reality.

gotta change my perspective

i can't wait for monday mornings - so i can talk to her again, have her, some little piece of her, whatever she'll give me. and tuesday morning. and wednesday. and thursday. friday i approach with a little trepidation and eagerness. eagerness because, hopefully, we'll have a little time to spend together. trepidation because i know she's leaving me again for another long, long weekend in her life, without me to distract her.

and yet monday mornings don't hold the same urgency for her. i sit and wait and watch for her to come on line, wait for the phone to ring, knowing that if the situations were reversed that nothing would keep me from the phone the second i got to the office. but it's not the same for her. so many other things get her attention before me. i'm easily an hour or more down the road before she even thinks of it. of me. or is she just late again?

how can i still think she might want me? but i do. and i continue to hope that she might.

it just doesn't seem likely.

nothing in particular

another weekend when she didn't have 2 minutes free to call. when we left on friday i had a strong feeling she -would- call. of course, two years ago i was sure we'd be seeing each other by now, too.

i really need to contain myself this week and help us have a good week together, because next week she's gone for four days. with him, of course. so what would have been a good opportunity for us to meet (had she been leaning toward that of which there's no indication whatsoever) is now a four day extension of no-talk-time. i shouldn't be jealous or upset that she's spending time with her partner, but i am.

been feeling so hopeless about ever seeing her. such a waste. two lives that (i believe) would be so enhanced with the presence of each other, held apart and unhappy on principle - because she and bf "have history".

William H. Macy in "The Cooler". Charles Shultze's Pig Pen. The comic strip "The Born Loser". and me.

and on mondays i've slipped further down the list of things to do.

hidden messages

sometimes when we talk, i get the feeling that -maybe- she's trying to tell me something, to hint at something, without acknowledging it. almost like she wants me to listen behind the words and catch the subtle message she's trying to give me.

sometimes when i do that, when i think i've heard and understood the words behind the words, i get smacked in the face with the opposite, like i just completely imagined a message behind the message, and in fact i was completely off base. not only wrong, but hallucinating.

and yesterday when we talked, it was one of those times when i pushed her; for answers, for reasons, for information, for hope. sometimes i can't help it, the need to know just grows in me until i can't contain it.

i have to know. have to. i beg her to please tell me what it is about him and about their life that has such a hold on her. i beg her to tell me what he gives her that i can't give her, what traits he has that i don't, what it is that makes her choose, everyday, him over me. i need to know - both so i understand why my life isn't/won't be what it could and should be, and so perhaps i can make changes in myself. not that i think to do so will win her, because by the time she tells me, if she ever does, her decision will have been made, and i'll already have lost her. if i haven't already.

she says she's "already [t]here, [they] have history". while i agree that this -can- be a weighty factor, not when it's up against her being so unhappy there. and every day she stays is more history they have together, so does every day that passes mean less and less chance that she'll leave? that she'll stay simply because she was there the day before?

why doesn't want, love, desire and happiness factor in?

at the heart of it.. if i'm right and she really does want to be with me, then i have to believe that she's simply scared to break it off with him. scared of the conflict, of causing him pain, of having to explain to family and friends why, of changing her life, even if it's what she wants. scared of losing the financial security she has now. scared that it might not work out if she did change. yet she'll stay with the almost certain knowledge that the relationship she's in won't work in the long term. but she's scared to change. even for a better chance at being happy.

fluctuations

as usual, i'm my own worst enemy.

i have to learn that just because she's kidding around and bantering and talkative it doesn't mean she wants me or wants to meet or is any less likely to stay where she's at. it just means she's kidding around and bantering and talkative.

the problem is, as soon as she's open and free(er) and we're talking as friends should talk, i immediately fall into the mindset (and trap) that she wants more. and i start to move to that level but she doesn't follow. and then i'm hurt and fall off the cliff into despair and darkness.

why can't i just be more ?stable?. just not be so wildly fluctuating in my emotions and mind set?

why can't i just always remember that if she wanted more she'd make it plenty well known.

she hasn't done that. but i still seem to think she's wanting it, wanting more.

what should i think?

it's 90 minutes past "normal". no word from her.

early this morning i had a thought that she's been calling later rather than right when she gets in the office. do i think this a confirmation of that thought?

or do i wonder if she's okay and pray she hasn't been in an accident?

or do i wonder if it's just been a completely crazy day from the second she walked in? (but with no time for a call??)

or do i wonder if they had a fight last night and she left?

or do i wonder if there's no power in her office? (but then she'd be able to use the cell...)

or do i wonder if she's upset from our conversation yesterday and has no desire to talk?

or do i wonder if she's decided to stay and can't figure out how to tell me?

no way to know.

no way to reach her.

the roller coaster, again

i swear, i'm like a freakin' roller coaster, emotionally.

there's a black hole of despair about a thousand miles across that's situated right about the middle of my chest. much of the time it's hidden beneath a thin veneer of the daily "me" face. but just a few seconds of considering how fragile this relationship with B is, how completely powerless i am to affect it, to make it swing in my (our) favor and the veneer melts away and i can feel my entire being getting sucked into it, swirling further and further down into the abyss of nothingness.

yet everyday i wake up and i'm hopeful. hopeful that she's coming back to me. hopeful that she had a good evening in their home, a good night in their bed. hopeful that (g-d forgive me) she's decided she's not happy with him and is ready to leave him. hopeful that today is the day she tells me she wants to see me, wants to be with me.

and all around the edges of my consciousness is a grey cloud that is the knowledge that, unless she's already decided, she's evaluating her life, trying to figure out where she wants to be, what she wants to do with her love life. along with knowing she's doing that is the knowledge that the odds are much more in his favor than mine, the knowledge that with every passing day the day that she tells me what she's decided gets closer and closer. and while i have supreme hope that there's a chance, however tiny a chance, that she'll want me, i gird myself for the time i have to hear the words "i've decided - i'm staying".

no one ever knows when their life ends because consciousness goes at the same time. if/when she says those words to me, -that- will be the time of the death of my hope.

and right now i wait for her call.