Why can't I explain myself?

I'm no Pulitzer Prize winning writer, that I know. But I can generally get my idea across, whether written or spoken.

So why can't I make myself understood by B? What is it I'm saying or not saying that's interfering with the message? I have to think that I've explained myself clearly. Certainly I've attempted to get the message to her on many occasions, probably too many occasions.

If in fact I'm able to clearly convey a message, then either the message is wrong or the recipient isn't open to the message.

My message is pretty plain I think.

B - I want you in my life. I want to be your friend. I want to be your lover too, but I also want to be your friend. We've been so close before - we can be close again. As far as I'm concerned, we're close right now - we just haven't been letting that surface. We're good together - we talk, we connect, we challenge each other, help each other. If you wanted a committed, exclusive relationship, I'm ready - today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. Just tell me. If you want "us" to continue as we've been, I'm ready for that too. But make no mistake B - I want you, need you in my life and I want to be part of yours. (I admit, I want to be an important part of yours.)

So tell me - is that not clear? Is it too many words? I can make it shorter, sweeter, more succinct: B, I love you and I want you - however you'll have me.

Better?

So if the message is clear and it's being conveyed to her, then there must be something else. If I've clearly made it known what I'm offering (all of me or as much as she'll have) then she must not want what I offer.

She must not want me.

Wow. That same thought has been in and out of my mind for some time now. I've tried to push it away, thinking that I knew in my heart that it wasn't true, wasn't so. Five short words. A lifetime of meaning. A changed lifetime. All that could have been - gone.

She must not want me. (as a partner)

It's incredibly hard to let those words and the meaning of them penetrate my mind. It's hard just to see them arranged on the screen in that order.

She must not want me. (as a lover)

If only I could get the "not" removed, so much would be different.

She must not want me. (as a friend)

Those words are a fork in the road of my life. I'd once said to her that we were at a fork in the road of our lives, seperately and together and that what she chose to do would forever alter both of our lives from that point forward. It would seem it's not that way now.

She must not want me. (in her life)

It would seem that this moment is a fork in the road of only my life. No, not a fork, but a turn. A change in direction. Bridge out. Road closed. No thru street. If those five words are true, then today, this moment doesn't change her life. Only mine.

She must not want me. (at all)

We tell our children "You can be anything you want to be", "You can do anything you set your mind to".

Bullshit. It's all crap. I can't be B's lover. I can't make her let me be her friend. I can't make her want me.